"Father Figure"

I'm an emotional person ... not the kind of shy and quiet person ... but not the one who always speaks out loud either. Put it this way .... I'm in between.... I observe and able to switch from quiet to loud in a second when the moment suits me. Somehow the process of maturing has changes my personality more or less. Natural traits and environment influence have been affecting my capability to control my emotion.

I get angry easily ... but I get over it in 5 minutes ... really ... is it good? is it bad? both ways ... I guess it's bad in the way that I flip so easily .. and it's good that I don't carry any baggage ... I usually end up regreting what I said or did in a split second, and if I realized I was wrong .. I came to the person and apologize, sincerely. This is one thing that I learned over year .... cause it's pretty embarrassing to admit that I'm wrong ... One day it came across my mind, that I would be so low for not being able to stand up and admit that I was wrong. It's always easier to walk away ... but again I'm dealing with what kind of situation??

I don't understand some of my friends who can remain calm in any given situation, and that point on I learn from them ... I admire those people who have patience as deep as the Pacific Ocean, cause I don't. In the final fight, I always lose the battle with them ... cause I'm losing the opponent to trigger my anger. Nothing stops me like a calm soothing voice with the eyes of understanding ... that's it .. I'm done right there.

I once had a big fight with dad ... it was way over board .. being his daughter that inherits his emotional trademark, .. I couldn't help but to fight back, ... and on that moment, I knew ... I don't care who you are .. you don't treat me like shit .. if I know I'm right. I was always afraid of him .... he loves me and wants to protect me and raged at the moment .. but love means not mistreating the person you care. He was hurt, not expecting that I would fight back .. and I was hurt too .. but I came up to him next thing in the morning to apologize ... I told him, I promised myself you won't hit me anymore, I'm a grown up daddy .... You hit me once when I was 14 yo for something that I didn't do wrong, just because you were stressed out with work. How my heart aches but I let you get away with it .... I promised myself, nobody, nobody will ever hit me like that again ...

Till these days, that event carries on ... I have remorse .. but I'm glad I did it, cause a promise to myself is stronger than anything else. Later on mom told me that he had a mixed feeling .. he's hurt in a way but he also respects me. He knows I'll stand up for myself .. even when he's not around to protect me.
He has changed so much now .. through a lot and a lot of meditation ... and I know I carry that genetic of being hot-blooded in every inch of me, and I'm trying to control it. I learn something and you learn something too ....

When I was little ... we had a routine to say "I love you" right before I went to bed .. and it was a habbit that you want us, your children to do .. I'm far away from you, pa ... and don't doubt in a single bit that I love you ... love you ... love you ... miss you in my own way that you might not understand. I couldn't talk to you more than 5 minutes straight over the phone, ... I couldn't hang out with you as much as I wanted to, cause I always feel awkward ... But I love you pa, ....... all the things you've teached me .. I look up on you ... on the strength and the courage you have as a man
Happy Birthday, daddy .... I wish I could be there to give you hugs and kisses. Love, your daughter.