"What's your addiction? This is mine"

I don't have all the time in the world anymore. Who does anyway? ... Well, maybe that's not really the problem. I think it's just I'm not inspired by anything at all lately. Everything is just like daily normal life, .. well I can't really put it that way, but somehow I think that way. I think I'm babling now ... *huh ..*

I wonder if any human being has addiction into certain things, and which I believe is true. Each of us is addicted to something. You name it .. movie, food, clothes, computer, drugs .. etc. Ask yourself if you never addicted to anything at all. The question is why are we addicted to these kind of things? It might need to whole entire year of therapy session before you can figure it out.

My addiction is nicotine ... cigarette is my long friends that I know will deteriote me one day. I've been trying to quit lately, for my own sake ... I cut down a lot ... i mean a lot. This habbit started out as merely a curiousity .. then overtime it built in me. From nothing at all to one butt a day, then two, then four, then I am so hooked up in it, I could finish the whole pack for a day. Bad, huh? ... Yeah, everybody around me told me to quit, ... my family, friends, people on the street (yeah, that's true) ... they told me that smoking is not good for me. Hey, .. like I don't know that. My excuse was that ... a lot of things are not good for us, but we just don't know. Obesity causes more health problems than smoking ( it's a medical research, I don't make this up ) then I justify my nicotine craving habbit. So that's why I never really can quit.

Cigarettes have been my friends all along, giving me a peace of mind in the ups and downs of crazy road that I've had ... It's my best friend ... *don't complain hey non-smokers people* . When you are reluctant to do something, ... you'll find any kind of excuses not to do it. You are just trained to do so, it's your brain, it's your system that help you as a self defense mechanism.

I remembered on my long nights of mid-terms and final with all those textbooks and stack of papers flying around my room, I puffed the cigarettes to help me concentrate ... it did, better than any brain vitamin ever sold, .. hah. Inhaled them to my poor lungs and all the chemicals streamed through my blood. When I was sick of it, I just got out of my room to get some fresh air ... go back and light up another butt to finish up my study.

It was there when I broke up, when I was lonely all by myself laying in my cold room of winter, so far away from friends and family ... It was there with me when I was upset with some wackos I met ... It's just giving me a piece of sanity when I hold it between my fingers and suck the smoke down my throat. How can I let go something so good? ... the fact is that I love it, ... I love smoking .. not to look cool, that doesn't even cross my mind....

It's not just my friend, it's more than that ... I pick cigarettes over people .. some of my ex-bf tried to make me quit, threatening me and stuff .... yelled at me, ... none works!! hahaha ... You're all liars, you are smokers too, ... Kick your ass, bye ... don't push me around ... mind yourself first before you're trying to fix me. I don't mean to sound cocky, but give me a break ... don't push too hard to the edge.

With all my defenses, I realize that I'm being slaved by a thing called nicotine. I never ever use drugs in my life, not even a single pill or puff or sniff. But still I pitty myself for not having control over my body and mind. I'm having short of breath when I try to catch the train, running on that stairs ... I'm not as strong as before, and all I need is just a will ... to do what I have to do. I know it's gonna take time and energy, and strength ... and I'm still craving here .. Help me, God.

"Waiting in vain"

Aku punya kebiasaan buruk yang sampai detik ini belum bisa kuhapus, meski kumengerti jelas nggak bagus. Aku suka menunda. Prinsipku, kalo bisa ditunda kenapa enggak? .... nah, jadinya apa yang aku bisa kerjakan sekarang, sering kutunda sampai saat yang tidak tentu. Ah, masih bisa nanti kok .... Sehari, dua hari, tiga hari, and so on ... and time passes by, I start losing count. I end up forgetting what I supposed to do and a week later or a month later, things're getting out of my hands. The simplest thing for example is replying email, ... I can't always find the right story or words to write back, so I postponed .. but that's okay. Masalahnya, kadang aku udah tau apa yang ingin kutulis, tapi entar aja ahhhhh ...

Terus di other day, lagi aku di subway, .. aku baca Readers Digest yang aku comot dari anong, ...aku baca tentang JFK, presiden Amerika yang terkenal itu. The title is "The secret JFK kept from the world", April 2003 ed., p. 152-169. Di situ ditulis, dia adalah figur yang menggambarkan sosok yang penuh vitalitas, youthful, strong, energetic. But it was all lies, he covered it up. He was a very sick person since a little boy. His family knew all along that he wouldn't live a long live. "Life is unfair .... " as he said famously, exactly described his situation. Sick to death, he grabbed everything in front of him, he never wanted to wait or lose cause he knew he might never get a chance anymore.

As I finished reading it, it came across me ... when you know you don't have time ... you just do it. Everything that holds you back, never matter ...
Why not think like that, you never know how long you gonna live anyway. I waste too much time.

GRAB LIFE TODAY...

"Pindahan"

Lagi nggak niat banget posting, maklum abis pindah2an ... barang2 berantakan di mana2, pengen ngrapiin tapi tenaga nggak ada ...living room yang tadinya penuh banget udah lumayan kosong dan mulai ada bentuknya. Sampah bertumpuk2 di luar ... nggak tahu udah habis berapa dos of tall trash bag .. pas hari pindah2an aku ambruk nggak tahan, pake acara tidur segala, sementara co2 itu masih giat2nya ngangkut naik turun tangga, bolak balik 3 kali ... Salut ama kalian guys. Angkat tangan, acungin jempol .... Nggak ada deh acara masak2, makan luar semua. Pagi makan dimsum di Ping Restaurant, enakkkkk banget seperti biasanya .... siang cuman beli lunch box gitu di Kam Lun, share nasi bareng2 ... terus malem makan di resto Taiwan deket Walgreen sono. mayan sih .... gitu aja jalannya malesssss banget, badan sakit semua bok.

In a week, imbasnya masih kerasa, sakitku belom sembuh2 juga ... Flu, pilek, batuk ... tenggorokan sakit banget. Terlalu diforsir sih .. paling males pindahan. Minum obat nggak mempan semua, dari Decolgen, NY Quil night and day, ... ngga berkurang. Mungkin kondisi tubuhku juga lagi nggak fit, jadi perang nya virus2 itu agak lama kali ya? Kalo malem susah banget napas, nggak bisa tidur karena hidung kesumbat, Vicks udah selalu setia disampingku deh plus tissue with lotion, kalo nggak ada lotionnya, habis deh hidungku periiihh ... biar mahalan dikit nggak papa, yang penting comfort. Moga-moga aja cepet sembuh deh, I'm sick of getting sick.