"What's your addiction? This is mine"

I don't have all the time in the world anymore. Who does anyway? ... Well, maybe that's not really the problem. I think it's just I'm not inspired by anything at all lately. Everything is just like daily normal life, .. well I can't really put it that way, but somehow I think that way. I think I'm babling now ... *huh ..*

I wonder if any human being has addiction into certain things, and which I believe is true. Each of us is addicted to something. You name it .. movie, food, clothes, computer, drugs .. etc. Ask yourself if you never addicted to anything at all. The question is why are we addicted to these kind of things? It might need to whole entire year of therapy session before you can figure it out.

My addiction is nicotine ... cigarette is my long friends that I know will deteriote me one day. I've been trying to quit lately, for my own sake ... I cut down a lot ... i mean a lot. This habbit started out as merely a curiousity .. then overtime it built in me. From nothing at all to one butt a day, then two, then four, then I am so hooked up in it, I could finish the whole pack for a day. Bad, huh? ... Yeah, everybody around me told me to quit, ... my family, friends, people on the street (yeah, that's true) ... they told me that smoking is not good for me. Hey, .. like I don't know that. My excuse was that ... a lot of things are not good for us, but we just don't know. Obesity causes more health problems than smoking ( it's a medical research, I don't make this up ) then I justify my nicotine craving habbit. So that's why I never really can quit.

Cigarettes have been my friends all along, giving me a peace of mind in the ups and downs of crazy road that I've had ... It's my best friend ... *don't complain hey non-smokers people* . When you are reluctant to do something, ... you'll find any kind of excuses not to do it. You are just trained to do so, it's your brain, it's your system that help you as a self defense mechanism.

I remembered on my long nights of mid-terms and final with all those textbooks and stack of papers flying around my room, I puffed the cigarettes to help me concentrate ... it did, better than any brain vitamin ever sold, .. hah. Inhaled them to my poor lungs and all the chemicals streamed through my blood. When I was sick of it, I just got out of my room to get some fresh air ... go back and light up another butt to finish up my study.

It was there when I broke up, when I was lonely all by myself laying in my cold room of winter, so far away from friends and family ... It was there with me when I was upset with some wackos I met ... It's just giving me a piece of sanity when I hold it between my fingers and suck the smoke down my throat. How can I let go something so good? ... the fact is that I love it, ... I love smoking .. not to look cool, that doesn't even cross my mind....

It's not just my friend, it's more than that ... I pick cigarettes over people .. some of my ex-bf tried to make me quit, threatening me and stuff .... yelled at me, ... none works!! hahaha ... You're all liars, you are smokers too, ... Kick your ass, bye ... don't push me around ... mind yourself first before you're trying to fix me. I don't mean to sound cocky, but give me a break ... don't push too hard to the edge.

With all my defenses, I realize that I'm being slaved by a thing called nicotine. I never ever use drugs in my life, not even a single pill or puff or sniff. But still I pitty myself for not having control over my body and mind. I'm having short of breath when I try to catch the train, running on that stairs ... I'm not as strong as before, and all I need is just a will ... to do what I have to do. I know it's gonna take time and energy, and strength ... and I'm still craving here .. Help me, God.