Male and British

I just realized that my all time fave singers/movie stars are male and British.

George Michael, Sting, Sean Connery.

Sting always gives me a sense of relaxation and his beautiful lyric is still hard to beat.

When We Dance

"he won't love you, like I love you. He won't care for you this way. he'll mistreat you if you stay. Come and live with me
We'll have children of our own. I would love you more than life. If you'll come and be my wife."

I found that the ultimate devotion of love from a man.

This one, never fail putting a smile on my face on the intro.

Fields of Gold -

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves.
Upon the fields of barley........
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love.
Among the fields of barley......."

aarghh ... and so on, and so on.

George Michael, so damn gorgeous .. (don't care if you're gay).
There was a period in my life that I just listened to him all the time, .. like non-stop. Kissing a Fool, Father Figure, Jesus to a Child .. duh George.

Sean Connery, .. I mean .. he is the only real James Bond.

All of them are like wine. They are more delicioso as they aged.
Yeah, I think they are more handsome as they get older.
uh oh, and they are very monogamous . Sting with Trudy, Sean and his wife (I don't know her name), and even for George who is gay, he's been with a long-time bf for 6 years.

Uhh, husband, ... please be gorgeous and faithful like them eventhough u're not British, ya ya ya?

True to Your Call

Out of the blue, my husband starts to pray again.

I love to see him doing his thing with God.
I love the fact that he needs to get in touch with his Supreme Being.
I love to see him going "up" and "down" and his lips chanting the prayer.
Every move that he makes is so graceful.

The last time he prayed, maybe was on Idul Fitri. The day he took his son home from the hospital. It's a Victory Day, literally, because Dylan was in NICU and the hospital might not release him on the day I had to leave the hospital. But he did, little baby Dy went home with us. How wonderful.

Daddy was fasting for the whole month, not skipping even one day. Not even when he stayed up all night comforting me on the Labor & Delivery Room, and oh, he just did a double shift job. I knew how exhausted he was, but he had made a pact. I never thought he would make it, not to underestimate, but he never did that before. Remember hon, .. mama made your meal for Sahur? She wanted you to have a good nutrition. So she cooked at 1 AM, chatting with me, waiting for you to get home.

He kept his promise to God for the safe delivery of his unborn son. See, Dylan ... daddy loves you, even before you were born. You make him a better person.

We hold different religion. But it doesn't matter.
We try to respect each other's right and freedom to express ourselves. Especially to God. It has to be a true call.

He drove mom and me to Vihara, willingly joined the blessing ceremony for baby Dy.
He patiently waited for me outside Dhammasala for 2 hours when I had Bhante from Indonesia came.
He never once told me to change my religion for him.

And that's why honey, .. I found it beautiful to see you praying.

A Kid inside of Me

I found this poem on my trip to my cousin's Open-Day School.
It was on the side board on the hall, along with other students' posting, but somehow I found hers is beautiful and so poetic. Especially for a 5th Grade Elementary Student.


~ MY INSIDE OUTSIDE POETRY ~

My Inside Self and Outside Self
Are as different as can be
 
My outside self is impatient
With dumb short dyed hair
I'm very short and cannot draw
I'm not pretty at all
With still no one to care
 
But my inside self is different
As you can see
 
My inside self is perfect
I'm calm and patient
With long gold hair
For all my family and friends to care
 
My inside self is petty
Which I can guarantee
Because inside me is a Dancer
Waiting to be free

by Linda Lin



In America, children at the youngest age are encouraged to express themselves. Look how beautiful their soul and mind nourish. I don't think I could make such a poem when I was 11 year old.

Just remember, ... there's a lil kid inside of you that dreams .. waiting to be free.

Selamat Hari Anak Nasional - 23 Juli 2004.

I hope deep in my heart, one day .. I can do something to help those unfortunate kids. I don't know how, so hear me God.

Every Child needs a Grandma

Sometimes I don't know if I do the right thing. I'm not perfect, life is not perfect. And you have so many doubts in your life. Decision to make, options to choose, but the worst of all is guilt.

I miss my mom a lot lately. It's been like how long? .. 7 months. I call her almost every 2 days since the last month. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I need to hear her voice. She's just a telephone away.

So there I go, .. feeding Dylan and talking to mom over the phone. A 10-minute plan always turns out to (at least) 45 minutes. If I have to name one best(est) friend in the world, I would say MOM. I can SMS her everyday and talk to her just about anything and it's just never hard to find any topics with her. I'm not bragging about how wonderful our mother-daughter relationship is. We disagree and we fight sometimes, and it's not a one-night process to build this kinda trust. Now that I'm a grown up, I could talk just about everything to her.

I don't know if it's the right decision to stay so far away from her. I have this funny feeling inside of me, a mellow sad kinda feeling ...

I picture her and me and Dylan having a lunch together, we are laughing. I have Dylan on my laps, then she said she wants to take over ... And there my boy, with his grandma, jumping on her lap. I can picture every single details of her facial expression, or the way her hands move, and the way she kisses Dylan. Love in her eyes, he wipes all the fears and troubles in her eyes. And I just sit there, still, wish I could freeze the moment on just that split second.

Is it intentionally cruel to separate a grandma from her beloved grandson?I mean, I have choices, and this choice is definitely not convinient for her. Her voice breaks down to cry on the phone whenever she says how much she wants to touch baby Dy. How jealous she is to my aunts or Oma here. I can't watch him grow, Ta .. and they can. And that's when the guilt strikes.

I always try to change the subject or I just say, mom, don't cry or I won't call you again. Of course that's bullshit. I will call her no matter what.
There are times, that things are not going perfectly well, and she shares it with me over the phone. And that's all I can do, just listening to her. I wish I could do more than that.


I'm just holding on to that phone, burning my ears from the heat of it. She's flooding herself out, and I just wait till she's finished. Dylan, who usually seeks for attention will just lay there, listening to me speaking to his grandma. And when he makes any sound, I will put the phone closer to him so mamie could hear Dy's voice.

Don't worry ma, he won't forget you. I'll show him your picture together. You, holding him when he was just born, you feed him in NICU, and you put him in your arms both looking so relaxed. He knows how much you love him, cause I'll tell him.

So come here again soon. I can't wait.

Just the Two of Us

There goes our first anniversary.
Just the two of us babe ..
Remember the old times when the world just revolved around us?
It seems like yesterday.

You were holding my hands and the future was uncertain.
But here we are now, not one, not two, but three.
And so much happiness was never been fulfilled till the day we had our son.

A hole in my soul ..
You and him, complete me.

We had a nice dinner, just the two us. It felt so weird that way, cause Dylan was always a part of our life in every single minute.
We dropped him by at his dearest grandaunt. He didn't seem to mind at all. No crying, no whimpering, no rebellion. He seemed to understand that it was mommy and daddy's day.

I dressed up in a pretty lavender dress, just to remind my husband that I still have the charm .. :) I sit on the front seat for the first time since a million years. I was nervous. It felt like our first date. And so did you .. haha .. We were lovers not parents.

We went to a French restaurant. I had champagne, you had your gin and tonic to start up. Then you picked up the food for me cause I was lost on those French words. We enjoyed our lovely dinner together without distraction. Talking about us, about the future.

I could use more days like that...

When we finished, I asked you, "Do you miss Dylan?". It was just 2 hours since we left him. You said yes. So I said, "Let's go pick him up....I miss him too".

I reserved those memories with me, but something that you said that afternoon after our stroll to the park that lingers in me forever.

You jokingly asked, "Who's our anniversary is today?". I shouted excitedly, "Us!!!"
Then you said, "Our first, .. and a 100 years to come"

About Crying

Hormon, .. Such a big mystery of women.
I think my hormon is back to its 'normal' state since Dylan's 6 month birthday. Last night, out of the blue I just wanted to cry, for no reason.
Well, I need reasons to cry, because without one, how could my tears flow.

Anton was confused why all the sudden I got so sad. And I explained to him that woman sometimes just like to cry. I don't even remember when was the last time I cry. Maybe when mama went back to Indo. That I cried the whole trip home from the airport.

But there was a reason for me to cry. This time, I just needed to cry because I missed crying. And I thought of all the possible reasons just to make me sad. It worked quite hard at first, but when it started flowing, the rest just followed. And then I felt better, ... maybe it was just hormon, or maybe my tearduct just got to full and needed to be used.

Good thing I'm a girl, so it's acceptable, eventhough hubby still got puzzled. Men just can't cry out of the blue, that's why maybe they say they don't understand women...

Man & Food

They say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Udah 2 hari ini aku masak makanan Padang. Kemaren bikin dendeng balado ama ketimun acar kuning. Turn out, acar timun nya enak banget ...

Anton ambil senyum² nanya,
"bikinnya pake apa sih yang?" ..
"Ya kayak yang kamu ajarin itu dong, tapi ik buat lebih enak dari je kan? Ada bumbu rahasianya tuh"

Dia merenges aja ... terus dia bilang,
"Mama saya pasti bangga nih kalo tahu"
Aku senyum aja, nggak komentar.

Hari ini aku iseng pengen makan ikan, jadi buat gulai ikan bandeng ama gulai nangka telor. Mana bikinnya stress lagi, Dylan rengek² sementara aku sibuk ngrajang ini itu (kepanasan kali sih, sucky weather). I almost gave up, untungnya akhirnya dia mau bobok dan aku bisa ngelarin masaknya.

Pas Anton pulang, dia ngeliat gulai ikannya ...
"Wuih, Padang banget nih ..., mama saya pasti bangga sama kamu, yang"

This time, I can't help but to ask
"Kok bangga kenapa?"
"Kalo mama tahu, dia akan bilang you pick the right woman to marry, Antonio"

Hey, honey ... you just make my day :)

Another threat

Pagi² bangun tidur, baca berita di CNN.com jadi bete aja. Masak headlinenya Major terror attack possible this summer.

Gimana rasa mau aman, bentar² teroris ini, teroris itu. Kemarennya juga ada bomb threat di Roosevelt Ave Station. Kok pas hari itu juga aku lagi naek kereta ama Dylan. Tapi arahnya berlawanan sih, ke Forest Hill. Cuman emang pas di platform ada announcementnya.

World peace is so far from reality, sigh.
What kind of world will my son live?

Mother's Day

This is the picture of the very first time I ever saw Dylan and holding him in my arms.

I'm so in love with this picture because there is a sense of purity around him that captured in this picture. It was originally in color and I transformed it to B&W to dramatize the aura that lingered around his face.
He was leaning towards my chest, so close to my heart and I was so happy to finally have him in my arms. The tip of my fingers showing of a bit, just enough to know that it was me holding him.

Happy Mother's Day, mama .. (I wish he could say that, but I can wait).

Children and Parents

Kadang² aku kepikir ama anak² yang nggak punya ortu. Kasihan banget deh ngebayanginnya. Kadang juga aku capek kalo lagi ngurusin Dylan, jadi kadang suka aku diemin aja dia maen sendiri. Biarpun sayang banget sama anak, juga kadang² kita kan ada jenuhnya 24/7 ngurusin dia melulu. Kalo udah gitu, suka kutaruh aja di ranjang, biar dia maen² sendiri ama playmat gym nya si kwak²..

Nggak lama juga pasti dia akan bosen mandangin bebek ama dengerin lagu² baby itu, jadi pasti dia rengek² pengen digendong. Suruh nge-gendong terus juga punggung nggak tahan lama² ... sakittt. Jadinya kutaruh lagi dia di ranjang atau di rocker. Nah, kalo dia udah diem² aja ... nggak ketawa-ketiwi, sambil ngeliatin mainannya .. atau kadang bengong aja, aku malah jadi trenyuh.

Dengan liat kondisi gitu aku jadi kepikir, .. gimana ya anak² di panti asuhan yang nggak punya orang tua? Mereka nggak pernah ngerasain curahan kasih sayang papa-mamanya. Meskipun ada juga yang take care, tapi nggak ada yang bisa nandingin care nya orang tua sendiri. Betapa hausnya mereka sama kasih sayang.

Enaknya dielus, enaknya ditimang, enaknya diajak ngobrol-ngobrol, bercanda ...
Dicium-cium, dipeluk, dimanja ...

Dulu waktu SD, temen deketku, si Grace tinggalnya di panti asuhan. Wah, tapi dia beda banget cara hidupnya. Glamour banget .. melebihin gue kemana-mana. Dia punya kamar sendiri, keren abis, ber-AC, barangnya bagus². Wah, pokoknya stylish banget deh .... Dan dia juga punya mami yang sayang habis, manjain dia ... Maminya bule yang ngatur panti asuhan itu. Jadi duitnya juga bukan duit Indo .. lavish life style lah. Nggak ada tuh panti asuhan yang kayak gitu. Kayak hotel habis deh. Gue sering maen ke situ, di anter jemput ama Tante Els, si maminya Grace, yang baeknya setengah mati.

Hebatnya si Grace ini tau siapa orang tua aslinya. Tapi dia nggak mau balik ke mereka, dia tetep mau stay ama maminya aja. Yah, siapa yang mau ninggalin mami yang ngebesarin dia dengan kasih sayang berlimpah ruah kayak gitu.
Cuman kadang gue berpikir, dia ada resentment nggak ya ama orang tua kandungnya ...
Meski dibilang hidupnya jauh lebih beruntung karena diadopsi.

Jadi orang tua itu nggak semudah yang kubayangkan dulu saat aku jadi anak.
Dan kurasa di dunia ini tidak ada yang namanya perfect parents.
I know what's coming in the following years ... pasti akan ada orang² yang berusaha ngasih "advice" atau kritik ini kritik itu about my parenting style. Yang kemaren² aja udah terjadi kok.
Pertama-tama rasanya keseeeeellll banget, shock, pengen marah, pengen nangis. Terutama nih masa² habis melahirkan, hormon superduper sensitif lagi peak²nya. Tapi lama² aku pikir ... sebodooo .. karena pengkritik² itu sendiri aku tahu juga bukanlah orang tua yang sempurna. So, why bother being distraught ..

Being parents is a learning experience.
Nobody knows best .. because each child is unique.
You try your best ...
and love a lot ..

~ love you Dy

A Taste of Spring

Hari ini, dan beberapa hari sebelumnya sudah terasa panas. Sekitar mid 70F, sepintas serasa Summer aja. Spring is in the air, .. and so is pollen... I got sore throat, sneezing, pilek, batuk². Apalagi kemaren malem, parah banget rasanya ni tenggorokan, ancuuur deh. Sakit banget kalo ngomong. Mana suami gue rada-rada budi lagi, kalo diajak ngomong mesti rada-rada keras. Kalo dah liat TV, matanya nggak kedip ...

Anton juga agak pusing², mungkin masuk angin karena emang agak² windy sih. Two adults get sick, but little baby is doing fine .. (I'm so happy with this fact though, and not feeling defeated at all).

Pagi, menjelang siang, makan dulu di IHOP, uuh yummy ... makan The Big Omelette Steak ama pancakes with strawberry and whip. Asli lapeeeerrr banget, jadi makan dengan lahapnya lah. Terus pulang ke rumah, pada kekenyangan ambil leyeh² di kasur, ... hawanya panas banget gitu ... pasang fan di kamar, rasanya ngantuuuuk banget. Antara pengen nggak pengen buat ke mall. Akhirnya udah deh, jadiin aja jalan², soalnya the weather was so nice, jadi kayaknya wasted banget kalo stay at home.

Terus jalan² lagi ke new mall, padahal hari Sabtu kemaren udah. Bagus sih, model kayak mall di Indo gitu. Heran ya kenapa mall di Indo jauh lebih bagus daripada di sini. Cuman disini enaknya banyak rest area sih, malah ada nursing room segala. Di Mall juga cuman muter² aja, pesen Mocha Malt Frap Venti nya Starbuck, terus makan di Food Court. Anton lagi pengen banget nyobain Fish & Chip nya Nathan's (gak enak, biasa aja lah). Heran ... padahal abis makan di IHOP loh ... akhirnya nggak abis kekenyangan.

Rasanya seneng deh kalo Anton di rumah, hatiku rasanya tentram ... biarpun nonton basket melulu ... ribut ngejagoin Knicks melulu (yang malem ini dibantai habis ama Nets). Hahaha ... kesian. Go Nets dong ... (kan I love Jason Kidds). Udah agak malem aku laper, nagih lah suruh dia masakin Meat Loaf ... Wooo ... super yummy. Emang inovasinya kalo lagi masak canggih deh ... Jadi ketagihan. Asyik lho punya suami bisa masak ... hehe ..

Rindu Belajar

Sudah setahun lebih aku selesai sekolahku. Masa² belajar semalam suntuk, bete, ketiduran di atas buku .. is over now. Dulu rasanya pengen sekali get over with all those stacks of textbook to read, paper to finish or group project to avoid (YUP!). It felt like hell when all the assignments had to be collected at about the same time. There was always a fight between group members, everybody just want to push in their own argument. Compromising was really a hard thing sometimes.

Now, I miss studying! Really ...
Watching "The Apprentice" kinda throw me back to the old days. Graduate program is about group projects, everything is group assignment. And so is the Show all about, how to handle different opinions, get your point across to you team mate, presenting to other teams & the professor, debating with logic and facts (though this is sometimes seems like a blur .. ).

The thing about school is that You hate it when you are in, but You miss it when you are done. Though for some people this might not be the case. But you gotta admit, there is something about school that will just make you miss somehow, someway ... the friends, the atmoshphere, the nice discount price for students :)

Sedih & Gembira

Kalau udah liat wajah Dylan, rasanya segala kesusahan, keresahan, dan pusing, langsung hilang. Biar barang semenit - 2 menit. Wajahnya yang begitu polos seolah-olah mengingatkanku bahwa nggak ada hal lain yang perlu dikhawatirkan amat-amat kalau dia sehat dan bahagia. Apalagi kalau dia senyum. Luruh hatiku. Rasanya nyesss ... langsung adem.

Aku bayangkan, enak ya jadi bayi, nggak ada pikiran bayar bill, urusan duit, atau tetek bengek kehidupan lainnya. Kesedihan yang paling pol kalau dia lapar. Dan yang pasti mama akan selalu ada untuk ngasih makan dia, meskipun kadang mesti nunggu dulu :)

Memang orang tuh selalu kok ya berandai-andai. Andai aku begini, andai aku begitu. Padahal tiap proses hidup yang dilalui itu untuk dinikmati setiap menitnya. Kalau menit yang sekarang tidak bisa dirasa, kenapa harus nunggu menit yang akan datang? Kalaupun akhirnya "saat yang ditunggu-tunggu" itu datang, toh juga akan berlalu dalam semenit.

Setiap peristiwa pasti kan berlalu, sebentar atau lama, susah atau sedih. Jadi ya kita terima saja. Phrase "Tak ada gunanya bersusah hati" menurutku nggak tepat, karena yang namanya "ngerasa susah" itu sudah kodrat naluri manusia yang dikasih Tuhan. Jadi ya lumrah aja kalo kadang kita ngerasa susah, nggak bisa tidur, males makan dll, pokoknya yang sebangsa gitulah. Sama juga dengan gembira, .. kalo gembira kita boleh ngerasain, kenapa kok susah nggak boleh ngerasain? Mungkin karena nggak enak kali ya. Dan orang susah ngefeknya lebih lama daripada orang gembira.

Tapi kalo nggak pernah susah, orang nggak akan tau betapa berartinya rasa gembira itu. Coba kalo kita seneeeeng terus, pasti kurang ajar umpak2an. (Contoh paling gampang kali Paris Hilton itu). Ah, belum tentu juga dia seneng melulu, yang namanya manusia, selalu bisa ngutak ngatik cari kesedihan, biar kayanya kayak apa.

Yah, biar sedih tapi tetap gembira (mana bisa ya?). Impossible ...
Rasain aja lah proses hidup jadi manusia, sedih-gembira itu lawan tapi kawan. Semuanya udah ada yang ngatur kok, asal jangan buat kesedihan karena kebodohan, gitu aja (meskipun kadang2 ini pun unavoidable).

Duh, life ... untung mama ada Dylan (and daddy!).Susah senang kita sama-sama ya ...

Redesign again

I see there's no limit to what you can do with Internet. I just redesigned Dylan's page. It was a long-hour and meticoulous work. I wonder if I'm that crazy to do such a thing. Maybe it's just a waste of time, but I love the final result. It looks great, and I finally able to put up the pictures page without having to upload to any "free" server. The good thing is that I can design it the way I want it.

Actually it hasn't been long since I made changes on the template, first I liked it but then it got under my skin. It was just not boyish enough, kinda girly looking and Dylan wasn't smiling anyway in the picture. He wasn't able to smile at that age! Hehe .. Now he's more smiley, but it still hard to get a good picture of his smiling gummy face. Somehow he managed to get away with the smiles thing everytime I hold a camera. He seems to know what's going on. That pretty amazes me, cause he's just 3 months old in this world and he knows how to get away with stuff already! LOL.

Anton wonders what I've been doing. He may not understand why his wife cares so much to such thing like that. That was just my assumption though, he didn't say anything anyway. He was home early today and I loved it. It was always nice when daddy's home.

Through His Eyes

I was playing with him on the bed. I had him on my lap and the sun was shining through the window. We were gigling and stuff. Then, he was smiling and staring at me and I see my reflection, so clearly ... in his eyes.

I asked myself,
Does he know that I love him?
Does he know that he's so pure and tender?
Does he know that I wish he stays like this forever?
Does he know that time flies so fast?

It doesn't matter he knows or not.

He's happy .. and that's all for now.

Identity Theft

I've been getting a lot of marketing calls these days. Woooh, how I hate it. Offering debt consolidation, mortgage, bla bla. I wonder why now I got all these phone calls. It's a bit intriguing to me. I'm trying to check my credit report, is something going on without my knowledge? I'm scared that I got to be one of the identity theft victim.

According to report, 1 in every 20 Americans has been an id theft victim. When I check the report, it needs my verification first before I can access the account. It says that I might have a mortgage and I have to choose the amount that I pay per month. What the hell???

Update:
I can't wait any longer, so I order the 3-in-1 credit reports. Consumer Info offers Free Credit Report, but heck it's just a gimmick, cause it takes forever to actually gain access!! Paid 30 bucks for it, and I am relieved! Clear trails .. :)

Building a credit is very important in the US. Better score on your credit report means creditors will be more willing to lend you money, lower mortgage rate, better benefit, lower rate on credit card, easier buying, etc. I just want to be cautious about the financial thing, especially now I have a child. Financial planning is definitely a priority on my list now. What to pay for insurance, education, savings, bills. Especially we are one-income family, I should be more wise on spending budget. Sometimes I am so let loose. It's so easy to order things over the internet. And I have this addiction with Target (who doesn't? It's cheap and carries cute stuff).

I probably won't go to work for the next couple of months. I am sooo in love with my son. Watching him smiling back at me. How my heart melts right away ... everything else is just a blur for that split second. And I feel like I don't want to leave him with somebody else. I must realize though somehow that I need extra money for us. It's not about buying him toys every now and then, but planning to give the best that I could for him. His education especially. Daddy has a plan already for Dylan, NYU it is ... And he's not even a year old yet! Ok daddy, NYU will wait for Dylan in 20 years. Meanwhile we got to manage a way to get him through there ..

to Journal

I think I have reservation now on writing here. I feel not as free to liberate my mind as I used to. The fact that so many people read it, doesn't really bother me that much.

I'm such a liar .. yes it does bother me. The idea of internet is to remain anonymous. You don't have to know me. You just need to know that someone, somebody out there has a piece of mind. You read if you like it and you don't if you don't. Simple as that.

But people are curious you know. When you read something that intrigues you, you want to know deeper about that person. You dig deeper, you want to see pictures, you want to know what's going on. It's human nature.

When people dig you, you're a good writer or you have a personal thing. That's how this whole blogging thing started. I was curious, then I found out more. And now I have some archives trail on me.
As much as I enjoy blogging, sometimes I miss to write on my old paper book. Writing it by hand, on my bed. It seems more valuable to preserve in the later years than merely sitting on a server.

I still have my old diary. The one that I wrote on since I was 12 years-old. It's fun to read it again. To laugh on my stupidity and innocence. Oh so naive ... you were once a little girl.

Maybe I am just being sentimental.

Happy Birthday Darling

He came home around 12, nearly passed his birthday, but made it on time. He looked happy though tired. I was wating for him anxiously and just glad to see his face storming through the door. I put my gift on the table so he could see it. It was a big box wrapped with red paper and a big white-silver-red bow on top of it. Inside was an mp3 player, very tiny one, I love the design, it was so compact, stylish and trendy. Not much, but I knew he wanted a small mp3 player for his commute to work.

He opened the box, looked through it .. and he was all smile. He loved it! He asked me how could I knew that's what he wanted. I said ... "I'm your wife, silly ... I know what you want". (at least this time around). I put two cards inside, one from me, one from Dylan. He read them while I was getting busy in the kitchen, preparing our dinner. When I turned around, he was right behind me, giving me a hug. Then he said:

"Thank you yang, ... Saya jadi sedih ... "
"Kok sedih?"
"Because I'm so happy"
In a glimpse I see tears in his eyes, but he holds me tight, doesn't want me to see him tearing.

I bought a funky little chocolate cream cake. Real small .. just to seal the deal of birthday event. Lit up the candles, took some pics, and heading to bed.
He was in bed with Dylan lying on his chest, he invited me over to get inside his arms. It was the three of us, together. I felt so warm and with so much love. And I was scared *You know the feeling of it's to good to be true* .. but then I let go my fear. I said to myself, .. it's real, just enjoy this moment right here, right now.

He gave a gentle squeeze to me and Dylan and I heard him saying softly .. "Mi familia ... "

Kaleidoscope 2003

It's a remarkable year for me.
It's the pinnacle and milestone on so many things in my life.

1. First event is that I finally finish the long and winding road of school. I graduated for my MBA in 3 - hard working - years. I worked my ass off to finance my school tuition every semester, not knowing how I could get the money to go on. I couldn't ask my parents because it was my responsibility to take care of myself and I felt ashamed to beg for money from them. Situation in Indonesia is not easy, I can't ask them to pay US Dollar while they're earning Rp. No, it wasn't a good idea.

On top of that, my hands hurt soooo bad from too much working. Both got Carpal Tunnel Syndromme plus Dequervain Syndromme. There was one moment that I couldn't even move my right tumb to the simplest up and down movement because of the excruciating pain that I had.

I worked 6 days a week, 10 to 6, and going to school afterwards. I would be home by 10 or 11, dead tired, only to repeat the whole thing again the next day. While others having vacation in Summer, I would work my ass off to get money to pay for my tuition. All work no play ... Never in my life I had to struggle that hard, physically and mentally. But it was my choice, so I had to deal with it.

Anyhow I couldn't make it throught the darkest time if I don't have "angels" around me. Gisela, she's one of my angel ... one of the bestest friend I've ever had. Everytime I heard the song "Angels on My Shoulder", it always remind me of her. She might not know it, but she's an angel to me. She was my tower of strength.

And Tante Carol, .. how I miss her sometimes. She opened the door for me when I needed a shelter, and she gave me so much more than just a roof over my head. Wisdom and warmth of a mother she offered. I wish she knew how much she meant to me.

Mrs. Pat Lewis, the councelor who helped me through my academic struggle, she lights up the torch at the end of the tunnel. Professor Ma, who helped me to get an internship in NYSE. I got the chance to work in the center of financial world. I couldn't believe when I got the access to be in the most famous Wall Street building. And I got to get in the Floor where all the brokers trade. Wonderful, unforgettable experience.

And last but not least, at the end, it's always your parents who will save you no matter what. Thanks mama - papa, ... for your understanding, your love, and your encouragement to me. To stand by me in any situation. I can't finish school without your help, pa, who's been generously support me for the whole last semester so I didn't have to work and could intern.

2. I got married to my dear husband. I've been waiting for that special someone so long, I thought I would never find him. And the funniest thing is that, there was this lady, Linda, who told me before I went back to Indo in summer 2002. She said, .. whoever you'll see in your country, it's not him. You'll meet your soulmate here in New York. He's a nice young man. I just laughed .. didn't take it seriously. Look where I am now.

We had our honeymoon in Las Vegas ... yeah!! It was boiling hot but we really had a great fun there. Love every minute of it! We stayed at The Mirage, and every morning at 10 o'clock, we'd go down to the lushious tropical pool, took a swim, had nice drink, sit on the lazy chair under the palm tree and listening to the sound of the splashing water. We would fall asleep there sometimes. It was soooo nice. Definitely will go back there when we get a chance.

Marriage is a process to get to know your partner more than ever. He's a pain in the azz sometimes (hehe) but I love him more than the first time I could ever remember. He's definitely a man with a few words, and that's why I fell in love to him. I should remember that ... He's great, I shouldn't complain ... Well, one can hope for a lil improvisation here and there, right? *smirk*

3. I got pregnant and mom could make it to come here!!!! I was so excited when I picked her up in the airport that I forgot to take a picture!! Gosh .. Couldn't believe she could be here for me when I deliver my baby.

Then finally, the day Dylan arrived to the world. My beautiful baby ... I finally have my own. It's been a long life dream to be a mother. Every time I look at him, I say to myself ... It's a gift from Heaven ... . He's so cute and so tender. Everything is so tiny and soft. Oooohh, every pain that I had is worth fighting for. He's sleeping on my lap right now ... sleeping oh so soundly, and I just have to kiss those chubby cheeks .. (Mama loves you Dylan ... love you, love you, love you)
And everytime I look at Anton, I say .. oh darling, you make my dream comes true. Thanks for giving me such a precious lil boy.

I think God's been good to me ..^_^

Welcome 2004!
May it be the best ahead

Being a Mother

It's not as easy as I thought. That's why it's noble thing. It's definitely a 24/7 job, no day off, I can't even recall the last time I had a 6-hour sleep. An 8-hour sleep? Foggetaboutit .. that would be a miracle. I am lucky to have a straight 3-hour sleep. There were times that I was so down ... partly because I hate being bothered while I'm sleeping. But no I can't argue with a 1 month-old sweetheart .. he's a lil monster by ear but a lil angel by eyes.

The fact that I'm craving for sleep, it's kinda funny that if he doesn't make any sound for every 2 or 3 hours, I would bug him just to make sure he's breathing ... and I do miss grabbing those chubby tiny fingers ... kissing his hanging cheeks .. and feel his warmth body against mine.

Sometimes we would fall asleep with him on top of me and I got stiff neck because I wouldn't be able to move for the next 2 hours. But it was the best feeling in the world. His small body warms my skin, but especially my heart. Cause you're so close to me baby ..