Pride, love and Joy

Dulu pernah seorang teman bilang, kalo hatinya berdebar2 saat memandang putri kesayangannya. Aku heran, kok bisa ya? Edan ki ...

Tapi harap maklum aja, waktu itu aku masih single dan mingle. Belum pernah merasakan gimana rasanya punya anak. Of course now, the story changes.

I was sitting on that blue sofa, watching TV. My son is babbling and playing by himself then everything else seems like a blur. I looked at him; watching him; my heart fills up with so so much pride, joy and love. What a handsome little stud you are boy! Even with those cavaties on your front teeth. He goes .. "mama, mama ... i want tom & jerry" like 500 times a day.

I caress his quite a bit long hair. So soft and tender you are son. The sweetest thing ever.

Work Hard

Hmm.. bingung deh. hehe .. tolol ah. Kok jadi gak bisa nulis gini seh.
Ah gue kesel ah. Nglamar kerja udah beberapa tapi belum ada yang response. Kapan dong, kapan nih nasib berubah? Masak gini-gini melulu. Si Joe sih bilang sabar2 aja Ta. Ini belum saat elo, bentar lagi deh kata dia (dasar tukang ramal) .. jadinya ya gue percaya2in aja deh.
Kan gue sukanya mau percaya kalo yang baik2 gitu. Lagian kan nggak ada salahnya kalo percaya ke arah yang positif. (duuh ... trying to justify)

Terus soal rencana pindahan juga bikin agak pusing. We have so many plans and the 'what-if scenarios' going on everytime. I've been searching online, asking people questions about "the good-the bad-the ugly" of our future destination. Some encouraging, some is discouraging (duh, of course). Mana ada yang sempurna ya? Makanya emang paling baik kalo kita meninjau sendiri situasi di sana, kan yang paling ngerti dan bisa ngerasain kita sendiri.

Udah liat-liat apartment di sana (online) n gawe juga. Kayaknya sih everything allright, but honestly gue concern ama yang namanya getting a job. The first plan was to get an apartment, but now I'd say I have to prioritize on getting the job first. Hopefully I'll meet my chance.

One time I asked Joe. Why do I have to go through this? I studied hard, but how come my future seems so absurd at this moment. I don't do what I want to do, or at least get the amount of money I deserve (for my education). I am so envying my cousin. Her career is way over me and people always think I was going to be the one that is ambitious, success ... blablabla.

Joe, dengan gaya kalemnya jawab : "Loe tuh lagi diuji Ta, ... supaya loe lebih kuat, lebih wise. Kalo loe nggak ngelwatin ini semua, loe nggak akan se-tough sekarang. Gue yakin banget sebentar lagi akan saat loe shining; you have to believe that".

Honey .. I believe that one day I will shine .. I just wonder why why why I'm fucking stuck here. I'm not perfect, but I'm one smart cookie. WHY WHY WHY ...

TOUGH? Am I? He said I'm the toughest lady he'd ever known.
I don't quite think the same way..
I'm not tough enough. I still complain (like right now).
I just have to keep trying, don't I?

TRY TRY TRY .. you'll get there eventually, darling. (You know it)

It's Time to Move

Yes, our little family think about moving some where else.
NY .. is a great city. Definitely glamor, (in such a way) but it's also very tough.
The weather, the hectic life, the finance.

We have our own reasons. But mostly we feel that it's time to move on.
You know it, you feel it .. in your heart.
We want to update our quality of life. Live somewhere more laid back and warmer.
We have dreams ...
And now we feel that we can make it happen. One step at a time.

We'll be waiting for Summer to come. It just seems like a perfect time.
To the island of Flowers. :)

Que Triste

Aku benci sendiri.
Aku benci meminta.
Biar saja apa kata hati ini mau merangsah
semua getarannya masih tetap tak kau rasa.

Derita ciptakan gigitan-gigitan kecil di hati.
Sekarang sedang kunikmati guratannya.
Tak sangka indah juga.

Cuando Calienta el Sol

I'm listening to this Spanish guitar music. The Gimagua twin are singing in the background.
How can they make such a beautiful music like this.

I was in the subway station Roosevelt Avenue. Just got out from the express F line, sleepy, cause I always fall asleep in that rocking motion. I waited for the local service R or V to pass by. Then I heard the music. I knew there were always some musicians performing underground.

I was in a bit of a rush. I wanted to know who were the performers. Debating to go upstairs for a little peek or just stayed there not wanting to miss the next local train. My heart was calling me. I had to look.

I took my steps to the upper platform. I saw two Spanish guys dressed in black playing guitars surrounded by crowd. I stood there. Mesmerized. My heart ache. Sad? Maybe more sentimental than sad. I fought back the wave of emotion that seemed to get stuck in my throat.

Now. I'm listening to the song again. In my room.

Belajar Tidak Marah

Begitu banyak pikiran di benakku.
Rasanya pengen nulis-nulis, keinginan itu memanggil-manggil. Tapi sayangnya akhir2 ini hidupku sangat jauh dari komputer. Setiap kali ada yang terbersit, pasti pas moment yang gak ada kertas, atau jauh2 dari PC.

Yah namanya nulis kan nggak bisa dipaksa. Lagian blog ini kan emang asal muasalnya buat curhat dan untuk melampiaskan inspirasi2. (apa coba?)

Seminggu terakhir ini ada 2 masalah yang aku bilang wagu.
Kadang kita selalu merasa diri kita yang paling benar sendiri, walau di kaca mata orang lain belum tentu begitu.

Cuman untuk 2 masalah terakhir ini aku merasa aku benar .. (HAHA .. emang bener deh TEORI AKU MAU MENANG SENDIRI itu).
Kadang susah ya menahan marah. Marah itu kadang enaaak sekali pas ngelampiaskannya (ah, susah banget nulis'e). But, .. aku ini udah tua, udah ibu-ibu (ceilehh). Benernya bukan masalah tua atau nggak sih, tapi bagaimana aku bisa melihat dari "luar", reaksiku terhadap rasa marah itu. Malah sebenernya urusan2 ini sama orang-orang yang lebih tua umurnya dariku. Tapi aku merasa pikiran dan perasaan mereka pada saat itu kalah dari sisi kedewasaanku.

Saat rasa marah atau kecewa itu muncul, aku bertanya :

"KAMU MAU APA SEKARANG?"
Kata-kata kejam apa yang mau kamu pake?
Is it mean enough to hurt his/her feeling?
ATAU
Apa sebaiknya kamu menjaga ketentraman?
Nggak usah ngomong apa-apa.
Cukup "ya" saja?
Ah, kamu chicken ah.

Those are the feeling I felt.
Dan for the last 2 times I felt anxiously want to get angry, I chose to back off.
I said to myself : CLOSE YOUR EYES, YOUR EARS, YOUR MOUTH.
Don't start, don't start.
Magic spell? No, I still felt the anger.
But I did it.

I still feel the pain from the anger. But I don't want to build up more anger inside of me to satisfy other people's feeling. Why? MY SON. To me, his middle name is LOVE.
I'm not perfect to everybody else, but him. Makhluk kecil ini masih halus perasaannya.
Aku harus berusaha menjadi orang yang bisa mengendalikan emosi karena dia memandang dunia ini dari sikapku.

Kids learn how to handle emotion from parents.

Mama said to me, she admires how I see things in life in depth. At my age right now, she was not like me. The thing I always tell her is that, I learn it from her.
It's a cycle. Parent-kid. Husband-wife. Friends. One influences the other.
Anton changes now. He handles his emotion more maturely than he used to.
He soothes my feeling when I'm upset lately.
Jadinya aku juga lebih tenang dan nggak tambah marah.
Ah, emang enak kalo ada orang sabar. Ngapain sih ya marah2? Capek gitu lho.
I hope we will always do that, love.

Negative

I wonder how much negativity can you swallow when you hear too much of what other people say about you. The right thing to do is to realize that emotionally you are being degraded by strangers, who might not have the slightest intention to make you a better person.

We need to listen to people sometimes.
But filter what you hear before you're passing it to your mind.
Don't take every single thing seriously, really ..
If it does hurt your feeling. Think about why it does hurt you.
Do you think it's true?
Do you think it's wrong?

If it's wrong, the possiblity is boundless, but one thing for sure (and it's usually the case) --> how that person must have envied you.

If it's true, you have the chance to make it up.
Then and there ... you have a chance to become a better person.

Every day we changes.
Yes we do.
Sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't.
Look around you, people who surround you.
Their positives or negatives attitude will effect your mood.

In the end, you have to remember, it's you, yourself alone, who help or ruin yourself.
Like they say: GO BIG or GO HOME.

So I Met Them

Papa came on March 22. Mama and Di came on Apr 3. They spent the whole month of April here in NY. I was so happy, mostly for my husband and Dy. Aside that it was gonna be the first time for me to see my in laws, I wasn't nervous.

Miss you, always

These days, ... I miss Dy everytime I'm at work. More than ever.

He doesn't sleep on his own room. I just can't let him go out of my arms. We've been away all day long. The only chance we can be so close is at night time.
Curling up with him in my left arm (always) and a book in the other hand. Nonstop kiss on his forehead. Telling him a thousand times that I love him. Asking him to tell me that he loves me. "I wof you mama, I wof you papa". He wraps up my day in a sweet kiss on my lip.

Here I am, trying to type my heart out .. I look to my right, I see them both sleeping on the bed. Both look safe and sound under the pile of blankets, .. I have this warm feeling inside.

Tough Love

Do you ever realize that sometimes when you are being too nice, people treat you like shit?
I do ...
I learn that I'd like to be nice to people, but sometimes I got to be tough.
Because some people just take "niceness" for granted.

Listen to Your Heart

How many times in life you neglect what your heart tells you?
Many .. No doubt about that.

Sometimes, it really is hard to listen.
It's easier to argue, to justify, to compromise.

I don't know .. (wait, did I just say that?)
I hate when people answer "I don't know" when they actually know.
I hate the words "I don't know" said many times because I think it's an abuse for the meaning.
Confused? ...
Sometimes it's easier to say "I don't know" than to give the real answer.
It's an easy way out.

*Cathy ngeganggu gue, ... I can't concentrate on writing anymore*

Un Poco Habla Espanol

Sometimes I'm so carefree
With a joy that's hard to hide
And sometimes it seems that
All I have to do is worry
And then you're bound to see my other side

Aveces soy tan despreocupado
con una alegria que es dificil de esconder
Y aveces parece que
con solo preocuparme
Y entonces estás destinado a ver mi otro lado

Yeah, .. Me aprendia habla espanol

Awake 3 AM

I currently in love with Gwen Stefani song "Luxurious".
I can hear it over and over and move to the beat.
How a good song can really ease me up like that.

It's snowing again today. Outside.
I woke up feeling so hot, I went to the kitchen, and it's freaking cold.
I wonder why I always awaken at around 3 AM feeling hot.

In the background ... "working so hard every night and day, and now we got the pay back"
Seriously, I don't remember the last time I went dancing.
I miss dancing ...
I love dancing ..
I know I can't go to a club anymore.
Perhaps I should just join a gym .. hehe.

Duece

It's funny how I heard this simple truth from Duece Bigolow movie (*big grin*)

"If you make a woman feels good about herself, it doesn't matter what you have or don't have, she'll love you for you."

When I heard this, I wonder why men so hard to understand this simple truth.
It's the key to a woman's heart.

Obviously a man can do this when he tries to get the girl he wants. Pamper her, cherish her, do all the sweet little talk thing, be the strong protective guy. But after a long while, this wears off ... he forgets to pamper her the way it used to be.

And to the woman, she used to be this sweet little thing ... after a long while, she can't stop talking .. yeah, woman definitely can talk about anything, sometimes unnecessary.
LOL .. I wonder why?

Rambling

Work sucks today!!
I came an hour 15 min late because the alarm didn't go off.
Damn, I woke up wondering why the room looked so bright.
No wonder ...
Surely enough my bos said something .. duh.

Lately, I've been having this feeling to write a lot.
I'm seeking peace inside.
I found that in writing and solitude at times.
But with this schedule I can't stay up too late anymore.

I do have a mixed feeling ... happy and sad, tired and energized.
PMS is still weeks away, so I wonder why.
I miss mama .. I miss her thousand hugs a day thing.
Oh ma, ... nobody hugs the way you do .. Nobody.

I feel like crying right now .. huehehe ..

Palmistri

Do you believe in palmistri?
Those lines on your palm that don't seem to make sense.
It does for me, in one way or another.

My left hand and right hand have different lines. They are similar, but varies in length and curves. I know (from what I read) that the left hand represents your destiny, while the right hand represents the changes that you've made in your life and impact "your destiny". This rule works for the right-handed person.

In other words, ... you can "bend" your destiny. You can make adjustments on your fate according your way of life.

My LEFT LIFE LINE* is really long, meaning that I will have a long life but my RIGHT LIFE LINE (was) about 4 cm shorter. Surely I thought I would have long life, but probably my way of life wouldn't suit my fate accordingly (oh, boy).
Today as I stand up by the window in the kitchen, putting lotion on my dry hands, I can't help but notice that my RIGHT LIFE LINE grows about 1 cm longer (what did I do? .. Yeaaayy!!)

To add more to it, my DESTINY LINE, the one that runs straight across from the middle of my palm edge to the middle finger, was cut off with a space for about 1 inch. Now the gap is getting smaller. Hmm.. that's a good thing.

When it's all good, I DO BELIEVE IT.

That's why there is this saying: "You only believe what you want to believe". Oh so true in this case. hehehe ....

*Life line : the line that starts between your thumbs and index finger, usually curving down to the middle of your wrist.
*Fun test from Tickle: Palm Reading

Ied Fitri

HAPPY IED FITRI

MINAL AIDIN WAL FAIDZIN

May all beings be happy

-- 0 --

Back to Work

Wuiih, akhirnya after a long 2 years, I'm back to work.
I was so nervous leaving my lil brat with someone else for care, but finally anton and I could find the best solution.
Paginya aku kerja, dan papa yang jaga dylan. I'm outta work at 4PM, get home, and he'll go to work at 5 PM. Yah, ... untunglah this arrangement work. Lucky juga bisa dapet kerja yang accessible dengan kereta express, jadi cepet tripnya.

Today is actually the 27th. I have worked for 17 days, and I already lost 4 lbs (yeaaayy!!). Habis gimana, I have to always on the move. The great thing about where I work right now is that time flies so fast. It is a busy busy store, so pretty much I always have something to do. Maybe only some hours that just get by a little slow.

People at work are nice. Mostly, .. of course every now and then you can always find some biatchs (haha), but I think if I carry myself carefully and don't have to deal with them so much, everything's just gonna be fine.

I get the grasp of my job pretty quick. My manager seems pleased, .. surely I make mistakes here and there, anyhow I was in the learning process. It's also nice to have an Indonesian fella there. And she's damn cool. I love her, she's sweet, nice and independent. The kinda girl I like to hang out with. We can always talk about something during lunch hour, which is nice ...

I found some of the guys there like to flirt with me. I made sure everybody there knew I'm married and have a baby. That will stop them, hopefully. I mean guys are guys ... I just don't pay too much attention to them. But they are all are nice though, I mean in a polite way. They just like to tease but not touching. I hate it when man assumes that they can touch woman without her permission. That's crossing the line.

My feet hurt mostly cause my work requires standing most of the time, and I always find having a hot shower is really refreshing. It does help a bit, but sometimes my legs still feel kinda sore. No complaining, I get skinnier though ... hehe. I thought I'll be stuck with my ex-current weight.

I like going back to work. I meet new people, ... some nice some are pure nasty. But the former outnumbers the latter. And in the end of the day, I mean the week, .. I get paid :)

Fight

I had a fight with him. It was so bad and I regret it so deeply. I said hurtful things, things to hurt him, but in return it only hurted me more.
I'm too sensitive during my PMS period, every single things count. I knew it wasn't all truly his faults. As much as he got on my nerve, I did my part too.
I don't want to act crazy and depressed, it's just not my nature.
Yeah, it didn't even get my point acrossed.
We are two adults who should be able to talk it out.
I'm glad he listens to me though.
I know people don't really change, but hey .. I just want him to understand me a little bit. By now, I know that I love him more than I thought.
Mama said, Work with what you have, not what you don't have, Ta.
I do hope we'll still be holding hands when we're 80.

I'm this cheery, affectionate one and he's the cool, distant one.
In other words, we are a match made in heaven :)

All Weekend Long

Last weekend was reaaally nice. We went out to places with my uncle family. On Friday we went to Gantry Plaza State Park in Long Island City, .. wow .. I don't even know that such place exists in Queens. It's by the water so the view of Manhattan skylight was incredible, it's like right in front of your eyes. The industrial structure really makes it seems modern, the boardwalk and the water complement the design by making oh so not harsh. Dy was so scared walking on the boardwalk over the water. I figured he felt weird and unsteady ... but eventually he got the hang of it and would run around like crazy with his lil uncle.