Spinster

Head spinning like crazy. :)
Hey it's Tuesday, but it feels like Thursday night.
It's gonna be a long weekend this week. My baby's birthday is coming too!
4 years ago I was expecting him anxiously, wondering why he passed his due date.
Now, he's whinning about his apple juice and say come here ... come here, mama as I type this up. "I'm sad .. please mamaaaaaaaaaaaa ....."
I'm happy he's here.

Don't worry

God spoke to me yesterday:

Don't worry, love. Don't worry .. I have something better for you.

I was driving, and my face had this ear to ear smile. Just like that. Like He's really talking to me in this most soothing sound. Actually it was like a woman voice instead of man.

Just like that, wipes my worries away.

Happiness is

"Hapiness is ..

to receive the pleasant without grasping and the unpleasant without condemning"

My Lonely Boy

dear mama,

udah beberapa hari terakhir ini aku ngerasa buteeek banget dikintil Dylan terus.
He doesn't even give me 5 minutes alone. He's always around me, ngomyang terus, let's go mama ... let's go mama .... mama this ... mama that.
Aku sangat sangat kehabisan ruang gerak dan jadi sering kesal sama dia.
Kalo udah marah, mata besarnya ngeliatin aku ... memandang lugu ... jadi kasiaaaan banget. Ta usap2 rambutnya ... aku ngerasa bersalah. 2 detik kemudian ... let's go mama, mama, mama ... mama ... mammaaaaaa .... aaarrrghhhh.

hahaha ... kalo jadi ceritaan kok lucu yo. Nek ssek ngrasak'e dhewe kok rasan'e mangan atiii banget

Terus tadi mau bobo ...

Dy: Mama I want to go to my house ... small house.
Ma: This is our house Dy ... it's our house now.
Dy: Noooo, small house .. I want small house ...
Ma: Small house?? in New York?? with Jesse??
Dy: Yeaaa ... in new yokkk
Ma: What's up Dy? You miss your friends? You want to go back to Red Apple?
Dy: Yeeaa
Ma: You want to see miss Maggie?
Dy: Yeaa

Ma,
baru kusadari betapa egoisnya daku.
Selama ini yang kurasakan hanyalah perasaanku saja. Jenuh, stress, miss NY, bosan.

Tak terpikirkan olehku ... bahwa makhluk kecil cintaku pun punya perasaan yang sama.

Oh sayangg ....
Minggu2 depan aku mau sekolahin dia deh.

Hati dan mataku dicela - kan mam ...
Ternyata bukan aku saja yang merasakan rasa bosan, jenuh, stress.
Aku harus bisa jadi peneduh hatinya ...

Ya wes mam, cuman pengen cerita itu aja.

Love you,
Miss you much.
si Nok

Signs

I'm not a psychic.
But God is always sending me signs everywhere I go.
I just have to know how to read it.

Heart will tell you so

Not to overrated the power of heart, but you'll know you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing when your heart tells you so.

I could do the wrong thing for the right reason OR
I could do the right thing for the wrong reason.

You can deny everybody else but not yourself.

Nice to know somebody loves me ....

Birthchart

The Sun represents vitality, a sense of individuality and outward-shining creative energy.

Sun in Aquarius

One of the standout characteristics of those born under the Sun Sign of Aquarius is their unwillingness to follow the beaten track. With advancement and progress on their minds, there can be an irreverence to old and outdated ways of thinking and doing things. Many Aquarians aim to free themselves of personal and social conditioning. Although open to change in theory, Aquarians can be surprisingly stubborn. Their idealism runs strong, but they can be very fixed in their opinions.

Often a bit aloof and even standoffish, Aquarians nonetheless are usually well-liked. They are curious and observant, and tolerant in a broad sense. Prejudice and bias is offensive to the typical Aquarius. Aquarians are generally very clever, witty, and intellectual. They value progress and frankness. It's difficult to throw Aquarians for a loop—they're generally on top of things. There is a bit of reformer in Aquarius. They'll try to get you to see through superficiality, and encourage you to be open and forthright. "Be true to yourself" and "Don't follow the crowd" are mottos we easily associate with this sign. Aquarians need space and value personal freedom. Any attempt to box them in will likely fail. They'll happily return the favor; and they will treat people from all walks of life as equals. Equality and fairness are hallmarks of the sign. If you're quirky and "different", all the better.

Short description:

She is independent, autonomous, and has progressive ideas.

Weaknesses: an unusual, rebellious and revolutionary spirit.

Aquarius ascendant Leo

Sun in VII

You take pride in your ability to negotiate, and to establish harmony in your relationships. It is important to you to have a partner, as you feel incomplete without one. You are motivated to become well-liked, and you are especially sensitive to rejection. One of the lessons in your life may be to avoid putting harmony and others' opinions of you above your own needs. Use your social skills and seek out peaceful relations with others, but try not to over-identify with your partnerships and the way you are received by others. You may marry someone with a strong personality.

201 Sextile Sun - Moon

Your emotions and your will are at peace with one another, suggesting a rather balanced personality. The "messages" you received in childhood were not contradictory overall, and you have a stronger sense of purpose and appreciation of harmony than most people. You are likely personally popular, mainly because you expect harmony in your relationships. You are attractive to the opposite sex, and your self-confidence and security make you easy to deal with on many levels. Your relaxed, easygoing disposition puts others at ease. You may not be prepared for conflict and you often avoid "rocking the boat". You may acquiesce to others a little too often, if only to maintain a feeling of balance and harmony, as conflict is something you not only dislike, you might fear it. The tendency towards too much acceptance--of the self and of others--is usually present. You must be encouraged to question life, or you run the risk of taking things for granted. Vitality is usually good and quite constant. You are not necessarily hard-driving, unless other indications in the chart point to it, but your constitution is generally strong. At any rate, you are not as prone to the kinds of ups and downs that plague those with challenging aspects between the Sun and Moon. This is because even though your life goals and your emotional needs are different, they are in harmony.

Short description:She has lots of vitality. She likes public life, she is popular and her company is appreciated. She is balanced, at ease with herself and usually gets on very well with her parents.

-70 Square Sun - Jupiter

Although your intentions are generally good, you are given to overdoing things. You can easily gloss over realistic details and get yourself into debt, overindulge in pleasures such as food and drink, and promise more than you can deliver. For the most part, you find help for your excesses. Somebody's there to bail you out, as plenty of people believe that your heart is in the right place. Generally, this is the case, but if excessive behavior becomes a pattern, and you continually face light consequences, there is the danger that you will not learn from your mistakes and abuse the "system", relying on your friends and family to help you out a little too often. Your reputation for being "good people", thus, can eventually be used to further your purposes--something that should, of course, be avoided.

However, many people with this aspect don't fall into the trap of losing their sincerity. You are generous, helpful, and charitable. Still, the tendency to live beyond your means is a real threat that you might struggle with much of your life. Another thing to watch for is depression. You tend to go through periods of intense highs when you are excessively optimistic. These periods are so marked that they seem to be unnatural and a fall seems to be inevitable. You can make promises you intend to keep, but have a problem with follow-through. Self-control can be a real problem. Try to avoid gambling altogether. Usually quite knowledgeable and generous with your time, you have many talents that you might take for granted.

The Moon represents the emotional responses, unconscious pre-destination, and the self-image.

Moon in Sagittarius

More than anything, Lunar Sagittarians have a need for personal freedom and space. They are extraordinarily happy and easygoing folk, as long as they don't feel caged in or cooped up. Lunar Sagittarians have a simultaneous need for activity. Meeting new people, going out in the world, and travel are all important to their sense of well-being. They love open spaces, and, in their homes, a roomy and bright environment. There's a bit of a teacher in Moon in Sagittarius, and definitely a helpful spirit. They easily forget appointments and the like, and some are even considered irresponsible. However, it is hard to stay angry at a Lunar Sagittarian! They are so cheerful and upbeat, and their optimism is catchy.

Many people with this position are outdoorsy types. At the very least, they have a great love for friendly competition. When the going gets tough, these people run away. They don't like to be caught up in routine for too long, and they simply need to escape. There's a blind faith in Lunar Sagittarians that is admirable. They simply believe that everything will work out. Not much for making detailed plans, people with Moon in Sagittarius prefer to wing it. They're very adaptable and generally on the go.

Short description:

Likes to throw herself into the unknown and into adventure: she is agile, tough and enthusiastic. Attracted to long voyages, to discover the unknown.

Weaknesses: takes great risks in throwing herself into the unknown and into adventure. Audacious, bold and rebellious. Unable to stay in one place, is always ready to risk everything to achieve her goal.

Moon in V

She likes pleasures, distractions of all sorts. Emotional life is rich. She loves children, and will have a lot. She will be self-taught.

99 Conjunction Moon - Neptune

Positive aspect: She is kind and sympathetic, with a strongly compassionate nature. When in love, she is usually very devoted. In fact, she is devoted by nature, not only in matters of the heart.

Mercury represents communication, Cartesian and logical spirit.

Mercury in Aquarius

Not necessarily loud or flamboyant, but she often has a quiet way of stirring others up. Delights in exposing what she deems biases in others' way of thinking. Very quick to contradict others, and to offer a different perspective, she enjoys intellectual debates. Amazing powers of observation, and a quirky way of looking at the world. Humorous and interesting. Loves practical jokes and raising eyebrows.

Mercury in VII

Hates being alone. She has lots of friends, likes to discuss and similarly has a lot of work friends. Likes to write.

539 Conjunction Mercury - Mars

She likes to discuss, likes polemic. She has good judgement and is determined. She is a worker and has lots of energy. She has a lively intelligence and goes to the heart of things.

-104 Opposition Mercury - Ascendant

She likes to criticize, to gossip. Frequently arguing, she is nervous but also disturbed. She looks out too much for a verbal battle, and is provoking.

-27 Square Mercury - Midheaven

She has no specific aim in life. She frequently changes jobs, is unstable but likes change, which gives her the feeling of living intensely. Lots of activity as far as love is concerned - she has a full sex life.

Venus represents an interest for emotions and values, exchange and sharing with others.

Venus in Aries

Venus in Aries people flirt by being up-front, direct, and even daring. They try to win you over by expressing how enterprising and independent they are. Their style of expressing love can be maddeningly "me"-centered, but the right person for them will find this approach charming. People get turned on by Venus in Aries' aura of innocent charm, even when they are being childish and impatient. Venus in Aries men and women behave in a childlike, fun-loving manner in love. They are turned on by energy and activity. Turn-offs include a relationship that is considered stuffy or too "mature", vagueness, and beating around the bush. In love, Venus in Aries people are hopelessly addicted to the conquest. In order for a relationship to remain fresh and new for them, they require plenty of stimulation.

Pleasing Venus in Aries involves fueling their need for action. Be direct, open, and honest with them -- they won't much like game-playing or evasiveness, unless it is in the complete spirit of fun. Feed their need for spontaneity, and appreciate their playfulness. Understand their desire for the relationship to remain young and fresh. Aries likes to take the lead in love (even if their Sun Sign is gentle Pisces) -- let them, at least most of the time. Indulge them their many whims, and understand that they thrive on competition, even when they're competing with you!

Short description:

Wants to take the lead in love, loves the conquest, can be a spendthrift with money, is given to making impulsive purchases, likes to keep things exciting in love. Very ardent. Spontaneous and charming in her direct and straightforward approach in love.

Venus in IX

Finds love abroad or marries a foreigner. Refined mind, she likes the Arts, is carried away by beautiful things. She is very happy abroad.

36 Trine Venus - Saturn

She has a good grasp of reality and of duty. She is thrifty, reserved and does not show off. She likes truth and justice. In love, her sentiments are sincere and deep, she never plays false. She is, of course, faithful in love and friendship. She can love a much older person and appreciates her intelligence and good sense.

16 Trine Venus - Neptune

Her professional life is unstable. She has a taste for the Arts, is a dreamer, is easily influenced and romantic. She is emotional and very sensitive.

-61 Opposition Venus - Pluto

Mars represents the desire for action and physical energy.

Mars in Aquarius

It can be a little difficult to understand exactly what makes a Mars in Aquarius native tick. And that's absolutely fine with them—they enjoy surprising people. The tried-and-true methods of getting things done are far too boring for those born with Mars in this unique and original sign. Mars in Aquarius natives often have a rather original view of the world as well. These natives are generally quite proud of their independence. They are not easily pushed around with Mars in this fixed sign. Because Aquarius is progressive and open-minded when it comes to the world at large, it can be surprising that on a personal level, Mars in Aquarius natives can be quite obstinate. If they feel boxed in, they are quite likely to rebel. If you've discovered a pattern to their ways, they'll make sure they aren't so predictable the next time around. Being seen as "normal" simply won't do!

With Mars, the planet of energy and drive, in an Air sign, these individuals get off on mental and intellectual pursuits. Aquarius is a somewhat scattered sign, even though it's persevering in the long haul. If there's a method to their madness, it isn't always easy to see. Projects are taken on with a shotgun-style approach with this position of Mars. Mars in Air signs are generally quite clever at getting what they want; in Aquarius, they are particularly adept at getting their way. While this is not an overtly aggressive position of Mars (Aquarius has a manner that is far too detached to come across too forcefully), it is very willful. Combine willfulness with the cleverness of an Air sign, and you have a person who is quite creative about getting what they want—which generally is getting their way! Unlike with Mars in Aries or Leo natives, for example, you won't always know you're being dominated by a Mars in Aquarius native!

One of the most pleasant characteristics of Mars in Aquarius natives is their willingness to let others be. They place a lot of value in freedom and individuality—theirs and yours. They need space to be themselves and plenty of room to breathe. Generally not the touchy-feely types, these natives often laugh at sentimentality and tradition. In personal relationships, their approach to intimacy is definitely on the detached side, which can be baffling and frustrating to more personal and affectionate personalities. Of all the personal planets in the sign of Aquarius, Mars placed here can show the strongest "reformer" streak. The Aquarian ideal of equality works big time with this position, and the desire to push their agenda on others (usually in creative, rather than aggressive, ways) runs high. Obstinacy and a superiority complex are this position's least desirable traits; openness to new ways of doing things (as long as they're not forced upon them) is where they shine.

Mars in VII

She dominates her associates, colleagues. She is the same in love life, dominating the spouse and this makes for a stormy relationship in prospect.

-83 Opposition Mars - Ascendant

She is quarrelsome, critical and violent. Her success is obtained by dubious means.

-17 Square Mars - Midheaven

She suffers professional setbacks because she is too impulsive, imprudent and lacks forethought.

Jupiter represents expansion and grace.

Jupiter in Taurus

She attracts the most good fortune when she is charitable, generous but discriminating, and patient. Watch for over-indulgence.

Jupiter in X

She cannot adapt to a humdrum or an uncertain life. She likes comfort. She can move towards a managerial position, of prestige. Her success follows on from that of the parents or in her home town.

Saturn represents contraction and effort.

Saturn in Leo

In a position of authority, she likes responsibilities and assumes them. She receives favours from patrons, who recognize her merits or similarly receives honors in return for well-accomplished tasks.

Weaknesses: abuse of power, little feeling in the workplace.

Saturn in I

She can be self-conscious in new situations, especially when young. Her manner is somewhat cautious and guarded. First reactions to new ideas or plans are cautious and somewhat negative, but these are only first reactions. Can be methodical, patient, somewhat distrustful, polite. She speaks little at first and does not waste energy unnecessarily. She has a good memory and sense of organization, likes to do things well. She is never slapdash and has a sense of responsibility.

-43 Square Saturn - Uranus

She does not like routine, whether at work or in her emotional life. She fights to keep her independence, her freedom of action. She would gladly re-make the world.

25 Trine Saturn - Neptune

Her plans are realized in a methodical fashion, she works hard to achieve success.

45 Sextile Saturn - Pluto

She perseveres, achieves her projects through hard work.

-4 Square Saturn - Midheaven

She must struggle a lot and work hard to achieve her aims. Although confronted by discouraging circumstances, she knows how to set off again and continue the fight.
Uranus represents individual liberty, egoistic liberty.

Uranus in Scorpio

Intelligent and subtle. Adores research, inquiry, investigation. Very sensual.

Uranus in IV

She is very independent. Her independence begins vis-...-vis the family circle. She does not like bureaucracy, administration, and has problems as a result. She has avant-garde ideas, she is original and does not tolerate constraints on her freedom.

-30 Opposition Uranus - Midheaven

She cannot carry through her plans, schemes to the end. These are changeable. She lacks forethought, attention. She throws herself into things, more than reacts to them.

Neptune represents transcendental liberty, non-egoistic liberty.

Neptune in Sagittarius

Likes long voyages, things foreign, water.

Neptune in V

Extravagant love affairs, great passions.

32 Sextile Neptune - Pluto

Pluto represents transformations, mutations and elimination.

Pluto in Libra

Looks for new ways to relate to others.

House I is the area of self identity. The ascendant is a symbol of how one acts in life. It is the image of the personality as seen by others, and the attitude that one has towards life.

Aquarius ascendant Leo

Ascendant in Leo

Leo rising people cannot help but be noticed. They radiate a special energy and magnetism that gets others' attention. Sometimes it's because they are loud people who pay a lot of attention to their personal appearance (especially their hair!); other times it's due to a regal manner that simply demands interest from others. Leo Ascendant people are very self-aware and body-conscious. They are acutely aware of others, and how they come across. In fact, these people are especially aware of their personal "backdrop"--they consider what the people they're with, and the environments they are in, do to their own image. Often, Leo rising natives feel as if they are on stage, even in the privacy of their own homes! They are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. However, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble. The desire to oversee the goings-on in their circle can sometimes amount to bossiness. If this desire doesn't go too far, however, it can just mean a person who wants to make sure the people they love are all right. Many Leo rising people are managers, either by profession or character.

The tendency to overestimate things, and themselves, is generally present. This is due to a natural enthusiasm and optimism about any new undertaking. Sometimes, they are walking commercials. In fact, Leo rising people make excellent promoters. Leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. Drama comes naturally to these natives. In fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they're a little blind to fact. They have an unusual need to be admired. Leo Ascendants often have a strong physical constitution. They pay special attention to their personal appearance and mannerisms. Usually, they choose clothing and hairstyles that are youthful. Their manner is authoritarian and strong. Very full emotional life.

No matter their age in real-world terms, Leo rising people are kids at heart. They are fun-loving and warm; generous and spirited. Just how magnanimous and outgoing a Leo rising individual is will be modified by the placement of the Sun by sign and house. This is because the ruling planet of a Leo Ascendant is the Sun. For example, a Leo rising person with Sun in Virgo may not come across as strongly as a Leo rising person with Sun in Aries. No matter the placement of the Sun, however, Leo rising natives are quite self-aware and optimistic. They have a natural flair for presentation, an eye for quality, and a hard-to-resist warmth of style. They want to make things happen, and create a stir.

House II is the area of material security and values. It rules money and personal finances, sense of self-worth and basic values, personal possessions.

House II in Virgo

She worries about money and is not especially generous with it unless she feels very comfortable.

House III is the area of social and intellectual learning.

House III in Libra

She looks for refined people, with whom to have long discussions, without raised voices of any kind. Harmony and peace is very important. In early life, she worried that her siblings were getting along.

House IV is the area of home, family, roots, and deep emotions/sense of self-worth.

House IV in Scorpio

Sheis jealous, snobby, irascible.

Family rows will be frequent. Might receive an inheritance.

House V is the area of creative self-expression, romance, entertainment, children, and gambling.

House V in Sagittarius

Likes adventure, travel, gambling, takes risks for the pleasure of it, treating it as a game. Lots of love affairs.

House VI is the area of learning by material transaction.

House VI in Capricorn

Works hard, unceasingly and patiently. Weak point: the cold, changes in temperature.

House VII is the area of one-to-one relationships such as marriage and partnership, and of social and intellectual action.

House VII in Aquarius

A slightly hasty marriage. The relationship between man-and-wife will be very friendly and full of understanding. Both will love their independence, their freedom of action. If one refuses to give this to the other while insisting on it for himself, then a divorce will ensue.

House VIII is the area of emotional security and of security of the soul.

House VIII in Pisces

Discussions about an inheritance. Be careful of water.

House IX is the area of learning that shapes the identity.

House IX in Aries

Travel with risk and adventure.

House X is the area of material action. The Mid-heaven represents the work one will do in his life, the place one will take in the world of society. It becomes more important as one grows older

House X in Taurus

Trusted at work. Occupation connected with the earth, buildings, finance etc...

House XI is the area of search for social and intellectual security.

House XI in Gemini

Likes meeting, ceaselessly discussing with well-informed people, full of ideas.

House XII is the area of education and of emotion.


House XII in Cancer

Problems will only come from the family.

Astro

Inter-planetary aspects

The following aspects between planets concern the possible relationships between two charts: especially the emotional and romantic relationship, but also aspects on social, intellectual and spiritual levels.

-254 Square Moon - Mercury

Negative aspect: A big problem between them is an inability to listen sympathetically to one another without misunderstandings, taking things too personally, or flying off the handle. They have problems understanding each other on an everyday basis. Their interests and preoccupations will be different, sometimes conflicting. Petty arguments can be frequent. Defenses must be let down in order for this to work.

-164 Square Moon - Mars

Negative aspect: Passions that could well lead to conflicts, even violent ones not only verbal but also, unfortunately, sometimes physical.

-111 Square Sun - Pluto

Negative aspect: A great physical attraction will unite the couple, but this relationship is unlikely to be enitrely healthy. The Pluto person tries to change the Sun person, which is not at all appreciated, and this leads to sometimes violent conflict. If the relationship ends, much bitterness and anger might be the result.

-108 Square Mars - Saturn

Negative aspect: It is very challenging for such a union to be happy, but if it progresses, it could easily become unbearable! Both parties must be committed to happiness in order for this to work.

100 Conjunction Mars - Uranus

Positive aspect: Favorable for union, linking originality to initiative and decision-making.

-90 Opposition Mercury - Mars

Negative aspect: They can interrupt each other often. Problems can arise when one or the other finds their partner too blunt or too critical. When involved in a conversation, they can compete for the microphone.

85 Conjunction Saturn - Uranus

Positive aspect: Favorable union, linking invention and originality with common sense and thoughtfulness. They might do great things together.

-84 Square Venus - Jupiter

Negative aspect: A life together that can be very challenging at times on an intellectual level. Intellectual misunderstandings, diametrically opposed tastes, different ideas.

80 Conjunction Moon - Neptune

Positive aspect: An almost magical bond will unite them. Perfect harmony. There is something MORE to this relationship. It inspires the imagination, and there is a magical feeling of acceptance. There is much devotion here, especially on the part of the Moon person. Spiritual tenderness and romantic warmth between them. Their relationship encourages imagination in both people. This stems from an underlying acceptance of each other, which translates into the feeling that they are free to express their spiritual, imaginative sides without fear in each other's presence. Unconditional love, which is very rare in romantic partnerships.

77 Trine Venus - Uranus

Positive aspect: Union or love will be very strong, not at all intellectual, but sensual and full of romanticism and originality.

74 Opposition Mercury - Mercury

Negative aspect: Their communication styles are very different, so that there are many misunderstandings and annoyances arising from how things were said, what was said, and what was not said. It can be a challenge to solve problems together without getting into an argument. It might be best to think things over separately before turning to each other for support.

66 Sextile Venus - Jupiter

Positive aspect: This union is likely to be completely successful. A couple that is happy to be alive, and to live together, with a pleasant family and home, total confidence in each other (and with reason), intellectual understanding, similar tastes. There is a strong desire to make each other happy. You enjoy each other's company immensely and you put each other in a happy mood. You make each other laugh and you feel very open, loose, and jovial around each other. Forgiveness and graciousness characterizes your partnership.

58 Trine Sun - Uranus

Positive aspect: The Sun person will be enriched by this relationship with Uranus, which will lead to the discovery of a new world, original and full of change. They will go well together, but the Uranus person may resist marriage, at least on a formal level. In some cases, the relationship works better when the bond is not formalized, simply for the sake of the Uranus person's sense of freedom.

46 Trine Saturn - Uranus

Positive aspect: Favorable union, linking invention and originality with common sense and thoughtfulness. They might do great things together.

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yes, i love astrology :p~~~~

Job

I'm tired of people telling me that I'm smart but I can't get a job.

Need luck!
What's wrong with me?

I know everything has its own time. But I do feel so bad for the whole thing.
I want a big break to shine. I could leave it out feeling bad or I could try harder.

It does hurt you know. When you think you're good but not that good. Duh...

the pursue of happiness

Sometimes I really don't know what happiness means.
It comes as quickly as it goes.
I just wish a bit of clear mind and good intention will make me go there. However, I don't always know the right way.

I can sense it, but it's just hard to digest the reality.

Why don't we just be happy and have fun?
Why it's so hard to do that?

You're My life

The highlight of my life:

Dylan is callling me. "Mama ... mama ... where are you mama?"
"I'm here nak.. di kamar".

Dylan gets in the bedroom. Wrap his arms around my legs. Then he said, "Mama, you're my life"

My heart aches with wonder. And that's why ... life has so many different faces. When one doesn't seem to measure up to your standard, listen & look closely elsewhere. It's the moment that will go away, but the memory lingers.

Ruwet mumet

wah, don't know why kok gue pingin nulis lagi nih. Kali karena gue lagi sedih aja kali ya. Hormon ... hormon, jan tenan kowe ki. kebanting banting deh ama yang namanya hormon itu. Yah apa yang dirasa2in juga pasti akan kerasaaaaaaaa.

Rasanya aku agak kehilangan arah .. setengah pikiranku blank. Jadi rasanya sedang dalam masa apatis (bener gak sih istilahnya?). Bikin resume itu menjemuuukan bok! Yah gue obrak abrik lagi itu resume .. habis kesel ah, ngirim segitu banyak tapi gak dapet2 juga. Mungkin karena target audience nya salah kali ya. Kayaknya emang kalo bikin resume itu harus disesuaikan dengan target market/industri. jadi ada bebrapa versi gitu.

eh males ah nulis meneh gak ono ide... gambus banget iki postingan. bahasane ae campur2 gak karuan. Ketokan nek lagi ora genah.

New place, New start

June 1st, 2007.
We leave NY in the morning. Everything is ready to pack and we're off to JFK. Goodbye New York. We had so many memories here, it was splendid. I got married and had baby here. Now I have my own family, it's time to move on to try another place.

The plane is landing in Tampa finally. Our drive to home is not as strange as the first time I came here. Funnily or amazingly, it feels so familiar. Like home. Yes, it is our home now.

Coming with a lot of stuff. We take pictures. An hour later our first delivery of DHL comes. What a perfect time! We love our new apt. Andung loves it too. It's so convinient to everywhere and the atmosphere is so relaxing. A lot of trees, there's a little lake with papa-mama-and baby duckies on that pond.

Our first night, we sleep on the floor. well, carpet actually.

My husband said oh it's like Bob marley's song.

" I don't mind sleeping on the floor, as long as we live under the same roof "

haha, I said .. oh, how romantic. He said, .. it's Bob marley ... yeah honey, that works too.

Pride, love and Joy

Dulu pernah seorang teman bilang, kalo hatinya berdebar2 saat memandang putri kesayangannya. Aku heran, kok bisa ya? Edan ki ...

Tapi harap maklum aja, waktu itu aku masih single dan mingle. Belum pernah merasakan gimana rasanya punya anak. Of course now, the story changes.

I was sitting on that blue sofa, watching TV. My son is babbling and playing by himself then everything else seems like a blur. I looked at him; watching him; my heart fills up with so so much pride, joy and love. What a handsome little stud you are boy! Even with those cavaties on your front teeth. He goes .. "mama, mama ... i want tom & jerry" like 500 times a day.

I caress his quite a bit long hair. So soft and tender you are son. The sweetest thing ever.

Work Hard

Hmm.. bingung deh. hehe .. tolol ah. Kok jadi gak bisa nulis gini seh.
Ah gue kesel ah. Nglamar kerja udah beberapa tapi belum ada yang response. Kapan dong, kapan nih nasib berubah? Masak gini-gini melulu. Si Joe sih bilang sabar2 aja Ta. Ini belum saat elo, bentar lagi deh kata dia (dasar tukang ramal) .. jadinya ya gue percaya2in aja deh.
Kan gue sukanya mau percaya kalo yang baik2 gitu. Lagian kan nggak ada salahnya kalo percaya ke arah yang positif. (duuh ... trying to justify)

Terus soal rencana pindahan juga bikin agak pusing. We have so many plans and the 'what-if scenarios' going on everytime. I've been searching online, asking people questions about "the good-the bad-the ugly" of our future destination. Some encouraging, some is discouraging (duh, of course). Mana ada yang sempurna ya? Makanya emang paling baik kalo kita meninjau sendiri situasi di sana, kan yang paling ngerti dan bisa ngerasain kita sendiri.

Udah liat-liat apartment di sana (online) n gawe juga. Kayaknya sih everything allright, but honestly gue concern ama yang namanya getting a job. The first plan was to get an apartment, but now I'd say I have to prioritize on getting the job first. Hopefully I'll meet my chance.

One time I asked Joe. Why do I have to go through this? I studied hard, but how come my future seems so absurd at this moment. I don't do what I want to do, or at least get the amount of money I deserve (for my education). I am so envying my cousin. Her career is way over me and people always think I was going to be the one that is ambitious, success ... blablabla.

Joe, dengan gaya kalemnya jawab : "Loe tuh lagi diuji Ta, ... supaya loe lebih kuat, lebih wise. Kalo loe nggak ngelwatin ini semua, loe nggak akan se-tough sekarang. Gue yakin banget sebentar lagi akan saat loe shining; you have to believe that".

Honey .. I believe that one day I will shine .. I just wonder why why why I'm fucking stuck here. I'm not perfect, but I'm one smart cookie. WHY WHY WHY ...

TOUGH? Am I? He said I'm the toughest lady he'd ever known.
I don't quite think the same way..
I'm not tough enough. I still complain (like right now).
I just have to keep trying, don't I?

TRY TRY TRY .. you'll get there eventually, darling. (You know it)

It's Time to Move

Yes, our little family think about moving some where else.
NY .. is a great city. Definitely glamor, (in such a way) but it's also very tough.
The weather, the hectic life, the finance.

We have our own reasons. But mostly we feel that it's time to move on.
You know it, you feel it .. in your heart.
We want to update our quality of life. Live somewhere more laid back and warmer.
We have dreams ...
And now we feel that we can make it happen. One step at a time.

We'll be waiting for Summer to come. It just seems like a perfect time.
To the island of Flowers. :)

Que Triste

Aku benci sendiri.
Aku benci meminta.
Biar saja apa kata hati ini mau merangsah
semua getarannya masih tetap tak kau rasa.

Derita ciptakan gigitan-gigitan kecil di hati.
Sekarang sedang kunikmati guratannya.
Tak sangka indah juga.

Cuando Calienta el Sol

I'm listening to this Spanish guitar music. The Gimagua twin are singing in the background.
How can they make such a beautiful music like this.

I was in the subway station Roosevelt Avenue. Just got out from the express F line, sleepy, cause I always fall asleep in that rocking motion. I waited for the local service R or V to pass by. Then I heard the music. I knew there were always some musicians performing underground.

I was in a bit of a rush. I wanted to know who were the performers. Debating to go upstairs for a little peek or just stayed there not wanting to miss the next local train. My heart was calling me. I had to look.

I took my steps to the upper platform. I saw two Spanish guys dressed in black playing guitars surrounded by crowd. I stood there. Mesmerized. My heart ache. Sad? Maybe more sentimental than sad. I fought back the wave of emotion that seemed to get stuck in my throat.

Now. I'm listening to the song again. In my room.

Belajar Tidak Marah

Begitu banyak pikiran di benakku.
Rasanya pengen nulis-nulis, keinginan itu memanggil-manggil. Tapi sayangnya akhir2 ini hidupku sangat jauh dari komputer. Setiap kali ada yang terbersit, pasti pas moment yang gak ada kertas, atau jauh2 dari PC.

Yah namanya nulis kan nggak bisa dipaksa. Lagian blog ini kan emang asal muasalnya buat curhat dan untuk melampiaskan inspirasi2. (apa coba?)

Seminggu terakhir ini ada 2 masalah yang aku bilang wagu.
Kadang kita selalu merasa diri kita yang paling benar sendiri, walau di kaca mata orang lain belum tentu begitu.

Cuman untuk 2 masalah terakhir ini aku merasa aku benar .. (HAHA .. emang bener deh TEORI AKU MAU MENANG SENDIRI itu).
Kadang susah ya menahan marah. Marah itu kadang enaaak sekali pas ngelampiaskannya (ah, susah banget nulis'e). But, .. aku ini udah tua, udah ibu-ibu (ceilehh). Benernya bukan masalah tua atau nggak sih, tapi bagaimana aku bisa melihat dari "luar", reaksiku terhadap rasa marah itu. Malah sebenernya urusan2 ini sama orang-orang yang lebih tua umurnya dariku. Tapi aku merasa pikiran dan perasaan mereka pada saat itu kalah dari sisi kedewasaanku.

Saat rasa marah atau kecewa itu muncul, aku bertanya :

"KAMU MAU APA SEKARANG?"
Kata-kata kejam apa yang mau kamu pake?
Is it mean enough to hurt his/her feeling?
ATAU
Apa sebaiknya kamu menjaga ketentraman?
Nggak usah ngomong apa-apa.
Cukup "ya" saja?
Ah, kamu chicken ah.

Those are the feeling I felt.
Dan for the last 2 times I felt anxiously want to get angry, I chose to back off.
I said to myself : CLOSE YOUR EYES, YOUR EARS, YOUR MOUTH.
Don't start, don't start.
Magic spell? No, I still felt the anger.
But I did it.

I still feel the pain from the anger. But I don't want to build up more anger inside of me to satisfy other people's feeling. Why? MY SON. To me, his middle name is LOVE.
I'm not perfect to everybody else, but him. Makhluk kecil ini masih halus perasaannya.
Aku harus berusaha menjadi orang yang bisa mengendalikan emosi karena dia memandang dunia ini dari sikapku.

Kids learn how to handle emotion from parents.

Mama said to me, she admires how I see things in life in depth. At my age right now, she was not like me. The thing I always tell her is that, I learn it from her.
It's a cycle. Parent-kid. Husband-wife. Friends. One influences the other.
Anton changes now. He handles his emotion more maturely than he used to.
He soothes my feeling when I'm upset lately.
Jadinya aku juga lebih tenang dan nggak tambah marah.
Ah, emang enak kalo ada orang sabar. Ngapain sih ya marah2? Capek gitu lho.
I hope we will always do that, love.

Negative

I wonder how much negativity can you swallow when you hear too much of what other people say about you. The right thing to do is to realize that emotionally you are being degraded by strangers, who might not have the slightest intention to make you a better person.

We need to listen to people sometimes.
But filter what you hear before you're passing it to your mind.
Don't take every single thing seriously, really ..
If it does hurt your feeling. Think about why it does hurt you.
Do you think it's true?
Do you think it's wrong?

If it's wrong, the possiblity is boundless, but one thing for sure (and it's usually the case) --> how that person must have envied you.

If it's true, you have the chance to make it up.
Then and there ... you have a chance to become a better person.

Every day we changes.
Yes we do.
Sometimes we realize it, sometimes we don't.
Look around you, people who surround you.
Their positives or negatives attitude will effect your mood.

In the end, you have to remember, it's you, yourself alone, who help or ruin yourself.
Like they say: GO BIG or GO HOME.