Kesel ma orang

Pernah nggak kesel sama orang padahal dia nggak jahat, hanya ngeselin banget aja.
Jelek nggak, iseng nggak, tapi ngobrolnya nggak nyambung dan basi banget.
Nggak tau kenapa bawaannya jadi bete melulu kalo deket orang itu.

Aku ngerasa kok jahat amat ya ..
Aku baikin lagi, biar nggak terlalu ekstrem dia ngerasanya ..
Tapi ehhhhhhh .... ngeselinnya keluar lagi.
Bawaannya jengkel aja ..

Heran gue ... dia nggak bodoh, malah cenderung pinter kalo diliat dari the way he makes money for living.
Tapi kok lagak lagunya kayak orang oon.
Maybe because I don't like orang yang kebanyakan basa basi dan nggak mandiri.
Aku nggak suka banget sama orang yang terlalu count on somebody else.
Perkara besar masih mending, kalo masalah kecil masak mesti ditunjukin satu² langkah apa yang mesti diambil. Lhaa ilahhhh gusti, nyuwun ngapurooo ..

Grow up, wipe your own ass!!!

People change

Are you still the same person?

Sometimes I asked that to myself.
Me now and me then I guess are not quite the same.
You change and you don't in a way.

Life changes your perspective.
It teaches you to bend a little bit or a lot.
Whichever works.

Too Small

I hardly browse around people blogs these days ... Only a few blogs that I like most or the ones that belong to my close friends so I can keep posted on how their life's doing.

I notice that some blogs have itty bitty fonts, and the colors are not helping either. Sometimes tiny fonts work fine with the right combination of colors, but ehmm ... that's not always the case.

Aku jadi mikir, kalo emang niatnya pengen dibaca orang ... kenapa nulisnya pake huruf keciiiiilll banget, udah gitu susah lagi ngebacanya. Aduh, kalo gue sih pass aja deh ... mataku langsung kabur. Give up deh kalo yang kayak gitu ... tatit bok.

Nah, aku jadi mikir ... kayaknya design itu nggak hanya segi estetik aja ... tapi juga segi practical.

Mnemonic

Kenapa yah kalo dengerin lagu tertentu ... maksudku lagu lawas, kenangan kita dibawa kembali ke suatu masa. Suatu masa yang spesifik, ... kayaknya flash back kejadian² yang pernah ada dulu.

Ingatanku kayaknya berbau gambar atau graphic mnemonic. Aku kuat mengingat peristiwa dalam bentuk gambar². I see pictures in my mind, like slides of movies.
Makanya kalo muka orang aku gampang ingat, biar mesti cuman selintas ... (oops, interuption .. my baby lagi ngolet² di dalam .. apa sayang ...).

I think I realize this on my 20ish .. not before. It does make it easier to recall my memory on my final term .. I can't remember what it is, but I know where it is located. Makanya kalo suruh ngapalin something .. apal mati bahan ulangan yang berlembar², aku pasti pake "jembatan keledai " yang rada² berbau imajinatif. Kukarang-karang sendiri suatu cerita yang gambarin urutan proses itu. It works fine for me ..

Kayak sekarang aku lagi dengerin lagu "Whenever You Call" ... I feel like I fly back to my boarding house in Bandung. Duduk di depan meja komputer, dengan hawa yang dinginnya ... puncak Gedung Sate tertutup kabut, keliatan dari kamarku. I had the biggest room ... it was a luxury that I could afford because I loved that secluded corner to be my nook. I was broken hearted ... but now I'm smiling ...

I always remember, part of you so tender ...

Awalnya dari Camera

Aku lagi pengeeeen banget beli digital camera. Persiapan bok, persiapan .. bisa-bisanya di depan komputer berjam-jam cuman baca review dan compare products. Sampe mataku sakit, ... dodol kalo dipikir-pikir. Tapi gimana, .. habbit ... lagian kan sayang kalo beli barang elektronik yang mahal udah itu aku nggak suka. Beginilah kalo budget buyer .. hehe, well mungkin lebih bagusnya smart customer. Hihi ...

Benernya Ku tahu yang ku mau ... tinggal search cari harga termurah aja. Entah kenapa kok aku nggak sreg sreg banget beli lewat eBay. Menurutku setelah kena S&H harganya sama aja dengan harga toko. Belum lagi kalo mesti complain² ada problem, mungkin part of me masih "brick & mortar minded".

Dengan budgetku saat ini, dan priority on the image quality, kayaknya Canon Powershot A300 yang paling masuk kriteria. Dengan 3.2 Megapixel and 5.1 digital zoomnya, mana harga dibawah 200 bucks, what a deal!!

Dari yang pertama banyak option kayak Sony dan Kodak, masing² dengan scale dan pertimbangan tertentu, akhirnya pilihanku jatuh ke yang satu itu. Kalo nurutin keinginan semata, maunya pasti yang macem², tapi kita harus bisa kompromi sama keadaan.

Aku jadi mikir .. kalo kita ingin sesuatu .. bener² ingin sesuatu, kita akan persistent ngejarnya, nggak inget capek kadang ... taunya tiba² badan sakit nggak bisa digerakin (well, in this scenario at least *hehe*).

Tapi itu kayaknya value dari sebuah konsistensi dan persistensi (ada nggak sih istilah ini dalam bahasa Indonesia?). Ada harga yang harus dibayar ... tapi kita siap membayarnya. Dan yang penting, mantapnya itu lho!

Bad Dream

I woke up a little after 2 from a bad dream. I felt like I was on the gory streets, driving a pickup car, a bit lost .. I didn't want to continue my journey. Something told me not to pass through those streets, I made a U turn. Then all the sudden 2 old guys jumped in to the back of my car .. pounding on the glass window. They looked strong and vicious. Scarry ... I still can see it in my mind. But then I saw a young guy out of the corner of my eyes, on the side of my truck, following me, but those two scarry guys didn't seem to see him.

I have to wake up ... I just have to.

Is it symbolic? I don't know. I felt disturbed ...

Memori

Nggak ada manusia yang hidup tanpa memori. Memori adalah penggalan-penggalan cerita yang membentuk jalan hidup seseorang. Apa artinya dirimu kalau kau tak pernah ingat yang pernah terjadi di masa lalu?

I don't remember my childhood under 5. It's always a pleasure for me to dig it through mom. I'm quite amazed by her stories and sometimes I'd keep asking the same question over and over about my childhood. It does irritate her *grin*, but I just love it ..

Ada memori yang indah, ada memori yang menyakitkan. Itulah dua sisi kehidupan. Memori indah membuat kita kuat, tegar, dan ringan. It gives us hope. Anehnya, memori buruk lebih berkesan daripada memori indah. Padahal kita tahu, it despairs us.

Mungkin yang namanya manusia nggak bisa lari dari sejarah hidupnya, dipungkiri atau tidak. Setiap esensi "the past" is part of today and the future. You just can't get away with it.

In memoriam of Sept 11, 2001

End of Summer

New York mulai dingin lagi. I like that.
It never feels like I'm in NY unless it's cold.
Mungkin karena waktu itu winter ketika pertama kali aku menapakkan kaki ke kota ini.
Setiap winter selalu menghadirkan aroma yang sama.
Aroma? ya .. aroma udara kota ini.

Hari ini tanggal 1 September, Labor Day.
Hari yang menandai berakhirnya musim panas.
Dan entah kenapa di pergantian season ini, aku merasa gerah.
Sebentar lagi daun daun berganti warna, lalu berguguran.

Setiap musim kelihatannya membawaku mengenang ke masa lalu.
Dalam kilasan tersendiri.
Setahun lalu ... dua tahun lalu .. tiga tahun lalu ...
Dan ketika sedih melanda, aku biarkan saja.
Kuluapkan hingga habis.
Baru sesudah itu aku bisa mengenang yang manis.
Oh, sweet life ....

I don't understand

Why would anyone abuse a 3-year-old girl?
Starve her to death.
Change those bright eyes of her so shadowy and old.
She supposed to run around and laugh, not crying from hunger.

BlackOut

Thursday, August 14, 2003, the electric power down on the whole North East America + Canada. Around 50 million people out of it for about 16 hours, some less, some more. The greatest blackout history in North America. Mulai sekitar jam 4 lebih, tiba2 TV mati, .. aku heran ... lho kok tumben .. I thought it would be for 10 or mostly 30 minutes, but I turned out wrong.

I needed the AC more than anything else in the world right now. It was too damn hot for a pregnant woman to survive on the humidity and the heat of it. I don't think I am spoiled, I need it and I know I do. Hours passed by and I realized that I needed to get out of the house, try to find some comfort in the mall. I was thinking to stop by at Ryan's and play with my lil cousin. I had my non fancy 10-bucks phone, the one with no electrical plugs set up, cause the cordless was just dead. So I called over there. Apparently, no electric either there, I found out that the whole Manhattan and Queens got the power out. Ok, .. that was it, Queens Mall here I come. Well, well, .. a trip worth to save, the whole damn thing was dark too. Went back home, waiting for the sun to set and some mercy from the mother nature. Blow some wind please .... So there I was, sitting on my patio (thank God I have one) the whole time. A rush to the grocery store when Sur came back, got some cans of soups and cookies. Just in case....

I waited my hubby to get home, I was glad I got some phone calls from Tante Rin, she was walking on the Queensbridge with my hubby!! haha ... pretty amazing how they could bump on each other among those thousands people. I thought he would be home by 10 or something, but nope ... I was glad to see his face when he showed up at 8. Hungry as hell, we had dinner outside by the patio, and it's getting dark. It was fun though. When we're done, something was missing ... my Internet and his Cable TV. Thankfully, we got a battery-operated CD with radio. And I had those little crappy PC speakers I never threw. We sit by the patio and listening to the news. Then he said, "Kayak jaman2 PKI gini ya yang .. hehehe"

It was still too hot inside, so we just linger outside. And it was great to experience New York without a single light (except from the cars). Why? Cause when I looked up, I saw many stars in the dark. You'll never see stars in this city that never sleeps. So it was unsual. And despite my restless and sleepless night, God was pretty good to us. Everything was calm and kinda bright outside. As I wonder why, the moon was full with its silvery ray. So it was a damn hot night, but not really a dark one ...

"Terkenang"

Aku tadi jalan di sekitar Justice Ave, di bawah kuningnya sinar lampu malam.
Aku cuma mau beli sekotak susu buat Dylan.
Tubuhku semakin berat sekarang, dan itu yang membuat langkahku jadi lebih pendek dan perlahan.
Kusadari dari semakin jauhnya beda orang yang menyalipku.
Nggak ada lagi yang namanya jalan ala New Yorker, alias gerak cepat itu.
Dan langkahku yang tersendat itu justru tiba-tiba membuatku terkenang.
Aku terkenang malam-malam di daerah Mendut, biasanya menjelang Mei dengan adik-adiku.
Kami suka jalan-jalan di sekitar candi Mendut.
Rame-rame, sambil liat-liat kalo ada tahu goreng atau singkong yang bisa dibeli.

Di bawah lampu kuning remang-remang, dengan latar aspal.
Kenapa aku alami dejavu ini?
Lalu aku jadi bertanya, apa bedanya New York dengan Mendut kalo sudah begini?
Ternyata nggak jauh beda.
Apalagi ketika aku mendongak, di atas sana ada bulan penuh keemasan.
Cantik sekali.

How are you bros? I miss our childhood.

"His Pheromone "

Body odor is really a big thing ... for me.
Especially for my man ... he gotta smell nice.
And I'm not talking about a bunch of perfume sprayed all over ...
I'm talking about the mix of scents that the body produces with the perfume, deodorant, or any kind of artificial scent used.

I believe I'm not the only woman who experience this.
Tracing back ... I remember that I always go crazy with my lover's smell.
It's gotta be the smell, on the body, on the clothes, on the air when he stands close to me.

I recalled one guy who was really cute and head over heel for me, but I was never attracted to him.
No matter how hard he tried ... My friend called me a fool, but I just couldn't understand at that time, why I didn't even show the slightest interest to him. His smell was okay, but not good enough to induce me.

One time I read across an article about Pheromone and How It Affects on Human. I heard about the word pheromone thousand times ... but never really know what it is exactly. It was on Marie Claire, I don't remember what edition. It just explains mostly the mistery of my attraction or craziness toward smell.

What about when he's all sweaty? Does it still have the same seducing effect?? Well maybe .. but mostly no.
Cleanness is one major attribute to attraction. Stickiness really doesn't count, right girls? *wink *

I go crazy on my hubby's smell ... The smell of his neck, the smell of his old t-shirt ... the smell of the pillow that he sleeps on. The blend of his natural body scent and his perfume... mmmm ... it just makes me high, I'll be like .. aahhhhhh ...

So guys, ... go clean up yourself and ask your girls what kinda smell she likes on you. It doesn't always have to be an expensive perfume .. It just have to be the right scent! The most important thing is that, one scent could be the sexiest thing to girl A, but the other way around for girl B. The pheromone effect differs from one person to another. Well, you just have to find out the perfect ingredients.

Don't believe it?? Try it yourself.

"Males"

Akhir2 ini kerasa aneh, keinginan untuk update blog ini ada ... banyak yang protes kenapa aku sekarang hampir nggak pernah nulis lagi. Bisa sebulan sekali malah. Terkadang nulis sedikit, stop ... bosan ... nggak bisa nerusin lagi. Tiba-tiba aja aku berpikir, mungkin nasib postingan kali ini bakal sama seperti rekan-rekan terdahulunya. ha .. ha .. ha .. ya apa boleh buat kalo gitu. Atau kalau nggak bosan di tengah jalan gini, .. sering saat off computer, di pikiranku muncul ide tertentu, tapi begitu i sat my butt down dan mulai buka blogger ... everything's gone out of my head. Apakah semua proses inspirasiku itu menguap begitu aja jadi salah satu korban sel otak yang mati percuma. Intinya menurutku .. aku nggak bisa konsen, nggak bisa fokus. Mungkin emang ada masa jenuh .. dan ini saatnya kali.

"Looking for Perfection"

I wonder what is the limit of perfection in finding someone special ... I suppose it will vary between one to another, but the search itself remains the same. How do we fall in love at the first place? Perfect now or perfect later?

Nobody's perfect ... Yeah, we heard that a million times before.
But the question is ... Do we really realize that nobody's perfect?
If then, why do we still demand somebody else's to fit in our image?
Thus creates anger, heart break, and disappointment ...

The thing is .. there is a time frame when you think someone's perfect.
Afterwards, all you see is flaw. This is when the brain really starts to work. HAH!
Before, ... we were blinded by heart and nothing seemed to matter.
We need them both, heart and brain, to realize that LOVE is a cross of perfection and flaw.

"De ja Vu"

Hujan rintik-rintik di luar. Meniriskan nuansa kelabu.
Ada terang lampu jalanan mengiringi tetesnya jatuh ke bumi.
Butiran butiran itu seperti menari pelan di udara malam yang terasa humid.
Dan aku hanya berdiri menatap lekat.
Seperti terbawa ke suatu masa ke tanah kanak-kanakku.
Di balik jendela kamar, selalu kutatap untaian jatuhnya.
Dan kuhirup bau tanah basah, masuk pelan ke relung memoriku.
Aku rindu lihat hijau legit kebun basahku.

Tik, tik, tik, bunyi hujan di atas genting,
airnya turun tidak terkira ....

"Graduation and Vacation"

It feels like years since I update this site. I know I kinda desert it, I have no choice ... it's not just merely laziness, but this week has been a little hectic for me. First of all, I got my *3-year long suffering my ass* in school finito .. in other word, I graduated *hail hail* ... Held on Madison Square Garden on May 28, 2003 at 11:00 AM. I finally got the chance to wear the cap and gown I've been longing for, well ... not really but that was my goal at the moment. I managed to have my study done .. not actually on time, but I've made it toward the end of the tunnel. My parents weren't there, but my grandma, uncle, aunt, bestfriend and my love were there to attend the ceremony with me. Oma came with a bucket of pretty flowers ... I think she was proud that I finish it since she was the one who started this whole thing up anyway. If it wasn't her, I might never be here anyway. Thanks, Oma ....

The commencement was not as boring as I thought it would be, pretty quick compared to the last time I attended Gigi's. Raja was feeling like a photographer with that zoom camera he got ... So we made a bunch of pictures .... I was pretty lost in the magnitude of the stadium, it's the big one for Knicks to play on the NBA game. I was a little desperate to see the amount of people and everybody looked the same ... where the hell is my family sitting now??? I had my pocketbook with Anong and no cell phone on my hand ... and not even a single quarter. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FIND THEM?? I say .. what the heck ... I'll manage somehow. Among 2000 graduates (undergrad and grad), I felt a little squished ... the guys next to me breathe through my face .. yuck, ... hellooooo ... some gum please ... What can I do anyway? .. I got no choice. Just sit still and hoped it finish before I got panic attack from bad breath ... *yeah, bad breath sucks .. big time!!*

After it ended, I finally found them, one by one ... well, I found Anong first ... he knew where I would think to find him, we're connected ... *hehehe .. right, hon?*. So glad to see his face among the crowd. Then we all managed to one group eventually, .... talk talk talk ... click click click ... ok, now heading to subway to Chinatown. I had to get some food ... Decide to go to Jaya (Malaysian Restaurant) ... got the sitting outside by the sidewalk .. pretty nice ... nice food, nice lunch ... ok, go home now. My heels were killing me ... I'm a sucker to high heels ...

The next big event was that my uncle came from Louisiana, which means a lot of family gathering ... pretty much almost everyday ... but I skipped some of them, too tired with too much excitement anyway. Some bar-BQs and Oma's home cooking ... super duper yummy ... hail to that SUP HISIT she made....

Ok, next ...We're going to Vegas tomorrow ... ahaaaaaa ... vacation vacation ... I deserve it ... so I've been packing and going back and forth to the travel agency, which I found kinda fun ... I'm too excited anyway perhaps ...I can't wait to be on that lustrous free form tropical swimming pool ... sitting by the pool reading magazine or just let myself float on the water. *smirk* I'm not done with packing yet ... and got to get up early to catch my flight so I better end it now and get some rest.

OFF TO BED ... LATER :)

"It feels good"

Yah, yah ... emang gue lagi maleeessss banget ngapa2in aja, ... apalagi nge update blog ini, ... hehehe. Nggak ada inspirasi yang mengundang selera sama sekali, kali udah agak bosankah? ... mungkin.

Hari ini seperti biasa pulang kerja, laper ... pengen banget makan yang kuah2 .. so jadi gue rela2in jalan ke resto Thai untuk beli fish cake noodle soup. Padahal di luar dingin sekali soalnya hujan angin .. mesti biar rintik2 juga lumayan dinginnya bikin gue gemeteran. Ya udah, gak papa .. daripada di rumah bengong kelaparan, .. lagi ngga mood makan indomie hari ini. So, jalan lah gue ... nggak pake naek train segala. Nah, on the way home ... gelap2 .. kok ada sesuatu yang tergeletak di jalan, ... kok kayak dompet? Gue pungut lah tu dompet, gue liat ... ada duitnya $ 80 ... ya udah gue masukin tas. Jalan lagi, ... sampe rumah .. eh si Sr lagi ngepel2 kamarnya ... duh yang mau pindahan bok .. Si cerewet satu ini nanya melulu sementara gue lagi makan ... pengen gue getok aja tuh orang. Trus udah selesai makan, gue bongkar hasil temuan gue tadi di jalan. Gue liat isi dompet itu ...

Ada duit sekitar cepek dollar ... terus check $2000 pake nama tuh orang, plus blank check udah ditanda tangan sebesar $500 .. tinggal di cashin doang *smirk* (you wish!). Di dompet ada ID banyak, credit card 2 biji, ada label nama sticker plus alamatnya ... Gue oprek2 lagi, .. nggak ada nomer telponnya. Ya udah deh, online lah gue buat nyari no telp si empunya dompet ini. Kagak ketemu ... kali dia pasang telpon unlisted, ... akhirnya gue cari alamat si empunya check $500 tadi .. namanya CHS, kotak-katik di web, kagak jelas ... last name sama, tapi first name beda ... bodo ah, gue telpon aja ... ternyata bukan, padahal gue udah jelasin kalo gue nemu dompet. Ternyata beda apt tapi satu building ... eh, dia malah mo bantuin nge-ring apt si CHS ini ... baek juga, ... trus katanya mo telp balik. Ya udah gue hanged up the phone, .. tapi kagak nelpon2 ... Gimana nih, .. niat baik aja kok susah banget??

Gue liat2 lagi ID dia, kagak ada no telp sama sekali ... cuman alamat ... Terus gue liat check yang $2,000 ada namanya HYT, tapi kagak ada alamatnya ... ya udah gue coba2 lagi ... eh, malah ada ketemu satu doang .. persis plek keteplek namanya. Gue liat jam .. udah jam 10:35 PM, bodo ah ... gue telpon deh. Udah kepalang tanggung ... ring .. ring .. ring ... diangkat ... orang itu sendiri yang angkat ... terus gue ceritain duduk ceritanya ... Dia terkaget-kaget, kok gue bisa nemuin no telp dia. Gue bilang ... dari internet ... (apa sih yang nggak bisa ditemuin di internet sekarang .. nggak usah panik). Terus dia kasih nomer telpon si master dompet ... plus gue tinggalin no telp gue ke dia. Gue telpon ke rumahnya, .. ngga ada yang angkat. Ya udah, gue leave message aja.

Singkat kata singkat cerita, si YYL (master dompet) nelpon gue dengan nada takut2 hueehehe (takut udah gue colong duitnya kali ... hehe) Dia bilang mo dateng sekarang ... mumpung lagi di neighbourhood, ya udah dateng aja gue bilang ..... Akhirnya jam 11:40 dia dateng ama 2 temennya, gue ngelongok dulu dari atas ... nyocokin tampang dia sama ID di dompetnya, ... baru gue turun ke bawah, gue bukain pintu. Dia sorry2 banget karena dateng malem2 ambil say thanks, terus nyomot duit dari dompetnya mo dikasih gue ... I said no, ... I don't want it. Dia maksa2 lagi ... I said, NO, I don't want your money ... JUST BE NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE, that's all. Dia senyum2 malu sambil bingung ... terus ngambil sesuatu dari jacketnya. ... Ini ada cookies dari France, ... terima yah ... please. Cookies???? ... Ya jelas gue terima ... hehehehe ... Ini sekarang gue lagi makan ... enaaaaakkkkkk hehehehe.

Ma kasih Tuhan, dah dikasih kesempatan berbuat karma baik meskipun rada2 usaha dikit ...
I feel good about myself and I know that person will do something nice to others too.
And especially for the nice cookies to munch ... LOL.


SELAMAT HARI WAISAK 2003 TO MY FAMILY ... love you, miss you all ....

"Decision ... decision ..."

All my inspiration, well okay ... not all ... mostly ... came to me while I was sitting quietly on the train, reading or observing something. Each day in our lives, we have to make decision(s), either we realize it or not. In one day alone, we have made so many decisions ... look back today ... and think what have you done since the moment you open up your eyes.

In the morning, you hear your alarm rings ... what do you do? you wake up right away? or you snooze? ... I snooze .. *hehehe* extra 9 min to sleep, nae bad ... . Then, taking a shower first? or getting my hot tea first? ... These are routines ... so my brain is already programmed to do them a certain way, I don't realize that I make a decision for each minute passes by. Or is it not a decision anymore?

Either way ... decisions lead to implications which we will carry on in life. Some decisions are harder to choose, but we still have to do it anyway.
My indicator on decision ... is the risk. On two hard-to-pick decisions, sometimes both risks are in the same magnitude. My choice?? .. The one risk that I feel I can live on. I don't have to agree with anybody, but at least I'm true to myself and no regret, because regret is very costly.
Not always the best pick, but hey, ... nobody makes the perfect decision all the time anyway, right? *smirk*

"What's your addiction? This is mine"

I don't have all the time in the world anymore. Who does anyway? ... Well, maybe that's not really the problem. I think it's just I'm not inspired by anything at all lately. Everything is just like daily normal life, .. well I can't really put it that way, but somehow I think that way. I think I'm babling now ... *huh ..*

I wonder if any human being has addiction into certain things, and which I believe is true. Each of us is addicted to something. You name it .. movie, food, clothes, computer, drugs .. etc. Ask yourself if you never addicted to anything at all. The question is why are we addicted to these kind of things? It might need to whole entire year of therapy session before you can figure it out.

My addiction is nicotine ... cigarette is my long friends that I know will deteriote me one day. I've been trying to quit lately, for my own sake ... I cut down a lot ... i mean a lot. This habbit started out as merely a curiousity .. then overtime it built in me. From nothing at all to one butt a day, then two, then four, then I am so hooked up in it, I could finish the whole pack for a day. Bad, huh? ... Yeah, everybody around me told me to quit, ... my family, friends, people on the street (yeah, that's true) ... they told me that smoking is not good for me. Hey, .. like I don't know that. My excuse was that ... a lot of things are not good for us, but we just don't know. Obesity causes more health problems than smoking ( it's a medical research, I don't make this up ) then I justify my nicotine craving habbit. So that's why I never really can quit.

Cigarettes have been my friends all along, giving me a peace of mind in the ups and downs of crazy road that I've had ... It's my best friend ... *don't complain hey non-smokers people* . When you are reluctant to do something, ... you'll find any kind of excuses not to do it. You are just trained to do so, it's your brain, it's your system that help you as a self defense mechanism.

I remembered on my long nights of mid-terms and final with all those textbooks and stack of papers flying around my room, I puffed the cigarettes to help me concentrate ... it did, better than any brain vitamin ever sold, .. hah. Inhaled them to my poor lungs and all the chemicals streamed through my blood. When I was sick of it, I just got out of my room to get some fresh air ... go back and light up another butt to finish up my study.

It was there when I broke up, when I was lonely all by myself laying in my cold room of winter, so far away from friends and family ... It was there with me when I was upset with some wackos I met ... It's just giving me a piece of sanity when I hold it between my fingers and suck the smoke down my throat. How can I let go something so good? ... the fact is that I love it, ... I love smoking .. not to look cool, that doesn't even cross my mind....

It's not just my friend, it's more than that ... I pick cigarettes over people .. some of my ex-bf tried to make me quit, threatening me and stuff .... yelled at me, ... none works!! hahaha ... You're all liars, you are smokers too, ... Kick your ass, bye ... don't push me around ... mind yourself first before you're trying to fix me. I don't mean to sound cocky, but give me a break ... don't push too hard to the edge.

With all my defenses, I realize that I'm being slaved by a thing called nicotine. I never ever use drugs in my life, not even a single pill or puff or sniff. But still I pitty myself for not having control over my body and mind. I'm having short of breath when I try to catch the train, running on that stairs ... I'm not as strong as before, and all I need is just a will ... to do what I have to do. I know it's gonna take time and energy, and strength ... and I'm still craving here .. Help me, God.

"Waiting in vain"

Aku punya kebiasaan buruk yang sampai detik ini belum bisa kuhapus, meski kumengerti jelas nggak bagus. Aku suka menunda. Prinsipku, kalo bisa ditunda kenapa enggak? .... nah, jadinya apa yang aku bisa kerjakan sekarang, sering kutunda sampai saat yang tidak tentu. Ah, masih bisa nanti kok .... Sehari, dua hari, tiga hari, and so on ... and time passes by, I start losing count. I end up forgetting what I supposed to do and a week later or a month later, things're getting out of my hands. The simplest thing for example is replying email, ... I can't always find the right story or words to write back, so I postponed .. but that's okay. Masalahnya, kadang aku udah tau apa yang ingin kutulis, tapi entar aja ahhhhh ...

Terus di other day, lagi aku di subway, .. aku baca Readers Digest yang aku comot dari anong, ...aku baca tentang JFK, presiden Amerika yang terkenal itu. The title is "The secret JFK kept from the world", April 2003 ed., p. 152-169. Di situ ditulis, dia adalah figur yang menggambarkan sosok yang penuh vitalitas, youthful, strong, energetic. But it was all lies, he covered it up. He was a very sick person since a little boy. His family knew all along that he wouldn't live a long live. "Life is unfair .... " as he said famously, exactly described his situation. Sick to death, he grabbed everything in front of him, he never wanted to wait or lose cause he knew he might never get a chance anymore.

As I finished reading it, it came across me ... when you know you don't have time ... you just do it. Everything that holds you back, never matter ...
Why not think like that, you never know how long you gonna live anyway. I waste too much time.

GRAB LIFE TODAY...