Saying the right thing - Priceless!

*another funny story from my dearest gf (thanks Sar!)
========================================

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...
what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after3 A.M., drunk and out
of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway, and got that
black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such
perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken table- $ 585.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.......
Priceless.

Don't dream it's Over

My head was spinning.
So many things going around.
I mean, I have limit, don't I?
I looked in the mirror, .. geesh honey, it's all nothing.
Look at me in the eyes.
Don't be such a wuss ..
You can complain, but not too much.
I hate people who complain too much.

Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over just saved my day (yihaa .. LOL)

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over ..
You know they come to build the wall between us,
you know they won't win.

It will be so much nicer if I can sing out loud now .. heh?
Don't push your luck baby.

Happy 2nd Mother Day, Mama

Dylan ... You amaze me, son.
You create a sense of surreality about my being.
I'm here in this world to create such a beautiful creature like you.
Everybody loves you (and if they don't, something's wrong with them! haha).
Wherever we go, people always smiling at you.
You attract people's sense towards you.

We were sitting in the subway across a sad-looking lady,
and slowly she moved next to us so she can chat up with you.
Longing to touch your darling little fingers,
absolutely fall for your big radiant eyes.
I can see her face gleams up as she waves bye bye to you on her 63rd Ave stop.

That construction guy on the street this afternoon telling me to take your picture,
you in buggy car with your basketball cap and giant Elvis google *smirk*.
He laughed when he saw you crossing the street, ...
"Take his pictures, he looks like the baby on TV".
He's tough alright, but he has a soft heart for you kiddo.

Dylan, .. my memory is short, far from perfect.
Everyday, each piece of the things that we've spent together fade away.
I want to forever remember your face squealing in laugh as I hold you up "flying"
by my feet. Under the sunlight ...
Just one piece .. I capture that moment in my mind.

In Buddhism say, when you die .. at the very moment you depart from this world,
the last thoughts that you have carry you on to the other world.
If it's a happy thought, you'll leave this world in good spirit, contentment.
If it's a sad thought, you'll leave this world in despair, misery.

Well son, ...
Your face in that sunny afternoon will be one of my ticket when my time is come.
Thank you for letting me to be your mother.

love, mama

ADAPTATION

Kemampuan manusia buat beradaptasi itu tinggi sekali. Buktinya banyak, termasuk teori Evolusi Darwin. But I'm not gonna go scientific here.
I think human being has the capability to survive in a certain environment eventhough they don't like it. As long as the bear to fit in and try to adapt to the situation.

I thought over about my life.
I've been through times that was so hard, I thought I wouldn't make it. But I stuck to the gun because in my opinion, I had no other choice. And then I did it.
Sometimes, when people had no other choice but to follow the path in front of them, they don't give up more easily. Why? Yeah basically because THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE.

The funny thing is .. THERE IS ALWAYS OTHER CHOICES.

But it's up to you really. If you'd like to make it, .. you close your eyes and mindset on other choices. The others are not relevant.

And in my experience, everything ... really, everything ... that's gone bad will eventually be good (just if you stick to it). Of course, you got to have faith that what you're doing is something good. Good for yourself or for others.

Wife's Diary vs Husband's Diary

I got this email from a friend of mine.
It's so funny.
Women, women ... we do tend to exaggerate and make things complicated sometimes.
But hey, that's part of our system.

It's such an enlightment to read this funny story though.
Men are just hmm ... how to put it nicely, .. dumb, when it comes to women's feeling (sometimes errr .. well, most of the time).


=======================

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night.

I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said: "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say: "I love u, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


HUSBAND's DIARY

Today, Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!
(ends)

Cinta oh Cinta

Ternyata cinta itu nggak gampang ya. Yang dulu rasanya cinta, setelah hidup bertahun-tahun, perasaan itu bisa hilang. Sebabnya bisa macem-macem. Tapi rasanya yang paling utama adalah nggak bisa mengungkapkan keinginan kita pada pasangan, dan dua belah pihak nggak mau berkompromi untuk tujuan tersebut.

Memang di dunia ini nggak ada yang gampang. Masak urusan cinta aja bisa sampe segitu susahnya. Kadang gue heran dan bertanya-tanya, bener nggak sih istilah Soulmate itu?
Karena dikeseharianku ... aku lihat sekelilingku, mereka yang sudah berumahtangga, tidak ada satupun yang totally bener-bener bahagia 100%. Padahal jaman remaja dulu, aku suka baca novel-novel romance yang isinya wooow banget. Si cowok cintaaaaa banget, dan gitu pula sebaliknya. Sampe mereka mau melakukan apa saja demi pengorbanan cinta.

Mungkin karena ditulis di buku, jadi lebih gampang menelaah (aside that the story is fiction). Sedangkan kalo orang melewati hari demi hari tanpa ada didokumentasi, hal-hal kecil yang indah atas nama cinta itu jadi terlupakan. Sementara manusia sendiri punya kecenderungan untuk mengingat hal-hal yang lebih menyedihkan daripada menyenangkan. Salah satu bukti keterbatasan memory manusia.

Kayaknya Soulmate itu terlalu dilebih-lebihkan. Sama seperti kalau kita nggak punya dan ingin sesuatu. Misalnya kita pingin makan steak yang lezaaaat banget. Kadang-kadang, memory kita akan enaknya steak itu jadi melebih-lebihkan rasa aslinya. Jadi ngiler, lidah dikecap-kecapin .. ah kok enak banget kayaknya ya?? .. Padahal kalo udah makan (dan setelah selesai makan) yah gitu-gitu aja. Apakah kita jadi super duper happy? ehm... kalo kenyang sih iya kali ya (hehehe ..).

Sama dengan soulmate, .. itu adalah ide/bayangan indah kita tentang sesuatu dalam hidup ini. Pasangan jiwa .. duh, bayangin ... kata-katanya aja bagus banget dengernya. Memang sih kita suka denger, baca atau lihat di media tentang 2 orang yang merasa bahwa mereka masih saling cinta setelah puluhan tahun kawin. Pegangan tangan, gandengan tangan, berciuman.

Indah, ... betul.
Seneng liatnya? .. jelaslah.
Iri? ... ehhm, agak dong!

Tapi tentu saja perjalanan mereka menjadi Soulmate itu nggak dalam rentang waktu 1 malam aja. Bertahun-tahun, bahkan puluhan dan .. dalam kurun waktu itu ada perselisihan, kesalahpahaman, making up (baekan), slamming the door, lempar piring (atau apa aja), bentak-bentakan ... kebayang kan kira-kira gimana? Nah, jadi mulai kerasa kayak kehidupan nyata kan?

Jadi memang hidup ini YIN YANG (balance). Yang satu menyeimbangkan yang lain. Dan memang lebih susah prakteknya daripada cuman ngomonginnya. Karena GENGSI kadang mengalahkan cinta. Walaupun kadang perlu juga. Terutama kalau dalam relationship itu nggak balance, alias yang satu mau berusaha sementara pihak yang satunya lagi dedel.

Cinta itu harusnya membuatmu ringan bukan lelah.

If you do it with love, you don't feel like it's a job. (Isn't it? .. especially for a relationship or marriage)

P.S For someone out there: I don't always pray every night, but I do now for both of you to be happy again.

Missing Children

I flipped the TV channel. Sampe pada suatu channel yang 'boring' dan nggak penting2 banget. Terus setelah itu keluar foto seorang anak, sambil disebelahnya berisi data diri dan ciri2nya. Missing Children. Uhh, aku jadi penasaran & agak takut membayangkan.


Kok bisa2nya anak-anak itu hilang. Sebagian besar sudah teenager, berumur 15 tahun, .. tapi ternyata ada juga yang masih umur 2 tahun. Wajahnya lucu, masih balita, Angel Torrez? Aku jadi teringat Dylan. Duh, nak ... I never want anything like that happen to you. Aku nggak kebayang perasaan orang tua mereka yang kehilangan anak2nya. Entah diculik, entah run away. Kooookkkk ada ya orang yang tega2nya culik anak kecil dari orangtuanya. Lalu diperdagangkan, entah jadi s-e-x slave atau diambil organnya, atau dijadiin pengemis .. I mean, how cruel is that?

Beberapa waktu yang lalu di berita BBC UK sempat diulas, anak2 korban Tsunami yang akan diadopsi akan diperketat prosesnya. Mereka ini diincar para "pedagang anak2" untuk pura2nya diadopsi dan kemudian di-"pekerja"-kan. Sudah kehilangan orang tua, ditimpa bencana, masih juga akan diperosokin. Tega sekali?

Anak-anak, meskipun kadang mengesalkan .. dengan tingkah laku mereka. Yang rengek-rengek, yang temper tantrum, ngobrak-ngabrik ... bangunin tiap 2 jam .. adalah sumber kebahagiaan orang tua. Aku harap anak-anak jangan jadi korban. Kalau sudah sedari dini mereka jadi korban yang "salah", besarnya pun akan jadi orang yang bener-bener "salah" alias kacau.

Another news in TV, anak umur 10 tahun meninggal gara-gara pas dia maen salju di-plow ama snow truck yang ngebersihin salju. Driver nya nggak liat, dan ini anak pun ikut kegulung dan mati. Salah siapa? Kok nggak ada yang supervise? Orangtuanya kah karena teledor? Itu pikiranku yang pertama kali muncul. But I think over, maybe they have to work, they're not there when it happens, they're poor and they have no choice but to leave her alone after school.

Duh .. I hope, aku nggak pernah lupa menjaga anakku dari hal2 seperti ini. I mean this kinda thing kinda sucks me up a little bit and makes me too scared of leaving dylan on somebody else's care. But anyhow, I can't live in fear all the times. I just hope that we can take care of him at our best and God will always watch over our son.

Hari Ibu

These days, ada "teroris" yang keliaran di website ibu²-baby². Dari komentar yang kelihatannya cuman iseng, misalnya kayak ngata²in babynya jelek, ibunya jelek, ini jelek, itu jelek, ...(lho, kok jadi kesetanan ngatain semua orang jelek? Lama² korbannya si "teroris" ini makin banyak, dan ngomongnya pun mulai aneh². Berbau SARA, profanity language, sexual harrasment dll.

Di Indonesia, tanggal 22 Desember diperingati sebagai Hari Ibu. Lho kok topiknya Hari Ibu malah ngomongin si teroris ini? Sebentar, sabar, ... entar akan keliatan ada konteksnya.

Gue jadi salah satu korban, waktu baca kesel sekali. Bahasanya kasar, kampungan, norak...
I want to get it out of my system, so I think the better way to do it is by using psycho-analysis (uh, oh .. and because he's a psycho).

Aku jadi berpikir ...

Kenapa ya dia kok bisa kayak gitu?
What's wrong with him?
Why is he so mean and intolerant?

Kok he? bukan she?
Karena dia bilang gini: "AI per-ko-sa mau nggak kamu"

What a moron* asked a question like that?
*mo·ron (môrn)n.
A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Hipotesisku ... orang ini kurang kasih sayang ibu.
Kenapa?
So far dia menyerang websitenya ibu dan anak. Dia nggak punya respect sama sekali sama ibu² dan baby² ini. .
Coba dipikir, orang (laki²) yang hormat dan sayang sama ibunya akankah pernah mengata-ngatai perempuan (apalagi seorang ibu) dengan kata² kasar seperti itu?
He doesn't like his mother, or worse he hates her.

Yang jelas, ibunya salah didik karena anaknya jadi sampai kayak gini. Saking kurang kerjaannya, dia online kemana² ninggalin jejak yang nggak enak. Dia cari kepuasan dengan menghina sana, hina sini, ... why? because it makes him empowered. It makes him feel good about himself.

Yang dia tidak sadari, it's just an empty feeling ...

Aku percaya, bahwa pengaruh orangtua dalam perkembangan sosial dan kejiwaan anak merupakan faktor utama. Seperti kata Khalil Gibran, anak yang dibesarkan dalam kasih sayang akan jadi orang yang penuh kasih. Jika ia dibesarkan dalam kebencian, hidupnya pun penuh dengan benci.

Jika kau tak pernah merasakan lembutnya kasih ibu ... hatimu keras.
Dinding hatimu beku ...
Suatu hari nanti, saat kedua tanganmu menimang sendiri bayimu, lembut kulitnya, ringkih tubuhnya, ... baru kau tahu apa arti cinta .. Itu permata terindah dalam genggamanmu.

Until then, you'll just never know .... you just don't know that feeling.
But I really hope you'll know.

Miracle Grow

Sometimes I can't wait till my son gets asleep so I can do my chores or perhaps just steal a "me-time" all for myself. But I found that I actually miss him when he sleeps. I can't wait to see his bright eyes and big smiles on his face. I think I never loved anyone as much to this extreme.
I love him more than I could help to love somebody. Sometimes I wonder if I have another child, will I love him/her the same? and will I love Dy the same.

The other day, I accidentally poured a whole bunch of Miracle Grow vitamin to my plant. I expected the plant would grow crazily thick and nourished. But, it died. So I thought, maybe it's just the same with love. If I give a steady and substantial love to my son, he will nourish. But if I overwhelm him with too much love, he won't survive.

I take daily life experiences into my account of soul-searching. I don't know when I started doing that, but I'm amazed by how much similarity of events that have no connection whatsoever start to make sense. I just hope the enlightment goes into the right direction.

a Letter

Be strong
Be patient
Be kind

Don't give up,
don't give up,
don't give up,
Just don't ..

Learn, observe, communicate.

Be the one you want to look up to.
what you see in others that you admire,
what? what? ask again?

be true to your heart.
but really listen to what it says.
don't get carried away with delusions.

listen carefully to your heart and mind.
they both can work together.

Love is hard sometimes, but it's not impossible.

Craving Solitude

Sometimes I'm craving a solitude time. A time when I can clear up my mind.

In the old days, an-hour subway ride worked amazingly to me. Besides the boringness, I found that sitting there, rocking in that commotion, watching people in and out the car, soothed my mind. I felt calm and collected. Maybe because I was still, maybe because in people faces told so many stories.

I like the motion ... might feel like a rocking of a mother to a baby... back and forth, back and forth. I found that relaxing somehow. I notice that when had this many things going on in my mind, I slowly untangled them one by one. Maybe I could claim it as a Subway Meditation.

I realize that when I'm not going anywhere, just stay home all day, stuck with all boring routine, I am agitated, restless. A nice walk is always good to refresh my mind. Otherwise I'll go crazy.
A good music does help ...

I'd love to have a walk by myself. Maybe one of these days, we'll see how my son thinks about it.

15 Hugs

I'm a girl who needs 15-hugs a day.
I need to feel the warmth around me.
I like being held.

I never refuse the charm of a hug from people I love.
It empowers me, .. make my day easier.
I like the feeling of being enveloped by two gentle arms.
the scent from the body.

If I don't get 15 hugs a day, I'm still okay.
But something is missing.
and I don't want the lost adds up.
so I'll give my hugs .. just because I'm a girl who needs 15 hugs a day.

Waiting In Vain

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, boy,
My heart said follow through
But I know now that I'm way down on your line
But the waiting feeling's fine.
So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

Like I said, it's been three years since I'm knocking on your door
And I still can knock some more.
Ooh boy, ooh boy, is it crazy love? I wanna know now
For I to knock some more. You see...
In life I know there is lots of grief
But your love is my relief.
Tears in my eyes burn, tears in my eyes burn
While I'm waiting, while I'm waiting for my turn.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,..
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

No I no I, I don't wanna wait in vain
No I no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
No no no I, no I, I dont wanna wait in vain
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waitng for
Its your love that I waitng on
Its my love that your waitng for
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love

~ annie lenox

Nag-of-The-Day

I'm planning on celebrating Dylan's 1st Birthday next month. I got my mind going on organizing the party. I have my menu set, and thinking about making the invitation card printed as a picture. I wonder if I ever have time to do all that. It should be simple, fun, cheerful and elegant. Quite a lot, huh? I know somehow it won't turn out exactly as I planned, but hell, I try though ..

I like a little bit of challenge everyday, cause otherwise life is rather dull. My little monkey is definitely one of it, and since it's an everyday thing, it's not a challenge anymore (or-so-to speak). That's why I'm assigning myself with this little task for keeping me un-rusty.

After being a mother who stays home and tackle all household chores by myself everyday. Duh, I realize how hard it is to stay sane sometimes. And it does need a lot of work and energy. The thing is, the house looks just the same. I clean it, then come the mess, then I clean it again. Daa .. they look just as it was. I mean, really for people who don't see when the mess takes place, it just nothing is really happening and the conclusion is that I don't do seem to do anything.

I hate when friends ask me "Soo, what are you doing all day?" .. I reply, "Don't even get me there". I don't know what to say, it's all little unimportant tasks, and repetitive .. but that's make the household running.

So much for my nagging today.

Bad Day

Yeah, it's a bad day today. Hang in there.

Rengekannya mulai mengaburkan akal sehatku.
Mungkin pengaruh kurang tidur, all night long, he's been bugging me. Maybe teething is such a pain for him (and me). Actually I'm not sure what bothers him. It just drives me crazy when he's being in misery and I don't know what to do.

Then, somebody broke our car window. Oh man, .. we're trying to sell that car. Or maybe it's a sign that we should just donate it? The title of the new car hasn't arrived and it's been over 2 weeks. When I called Mike, he said he didn't even have the title on hand. WTF?? It's a mess.

I had to do laundry, return a vacuum, doing groceries, and cook while dealing with my fussy baby.

But then, at the edge of my sanity. I gave up and I put him down on his "hop and pop". He jumps up and down in his toy, clapping his hands and throw them in the air, eyes on the TV, squealing "AAAAAAAh, AATAATTAAAATTAAA", looking back at me, and laugh.

I feel lucky.

Male and British

I just realized that my all time fave singers/movie stars are male and British.

George Michael, Sting, Sean Connery.

Sting always gives me a sense of relaxation and his beautiful lyric is still hard to beat.

When We Dance

"he won't love you, like I love you. He won't care for you this way. he'll mistreat you if you stay. Come and live with me
We'll have children of our own. I would love you more than life. If you'll come and be my wife."

I found that the ultimate devotion of love from a man.

This one, never fail putting a smile on my face on the intro.

Fields of Gold -

"You'll remember me when the west wind moves.
Upon the fields of barley........
So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love.
Among the fields of barley......."

aarghh ... and so on, and so on.

George Michael, so damn gorgeous .. (don't care if you're gay).
There was a period in my life that I just listened to him all the time, .. like non-stop. Kissing a Fool, Father Figure, Jesus to a Child .. duh George.

Sean Connery, .. I mean .. he is the only real James Bond.

All of them are like wine. They are more delicioso as they aged.
Yeah, I think they are more handsome as they get older.
uh oh, and they are very monogamous . Sting with Trudy, Sean and his wife (I don't know her name), and even for George who is gay, he's been with a long-time bf for 6 years.

Uhh, husband, ... please be gorgeous and faithful like them eventhough u're not British, ya ya ya?

True to Your Call

Out of the blue, my husband starts to pray again.

I love to see him doing his thing with God.
I love the fact that he needs to get in touch with his Supreme Being.
I love to see him going "up" and "down" and his lips chanting the prayer.
Every move that he makes is so graceful.

The last time he prayed, maybe was on Idul Fitri. The day he took his son home from the hospital. It's a Victory Day, literally, because Dylan was in NICU and the hospital might not release him on the day I had to leave the hospital. But he did, little baby Dy went home with us. How wonderful.

Daddy was fasting for the whole month, not skipping even one day. Not even when he stayed up all night comforting me on the Labor & Delivery Room, and oh, he just did a double shift job. I knew how exhausted he was, but he had made a pact. I never thought he would make it, not to underestimate, but he never did that before. Remember hon, .. mama made your meal for Sahur? She wanted you to have a good nutrition. So she cooked at 1 AM, chatting with me, waiting for you to get home.

He kept his promise to God for the safe delivery of his unborn son. See, Dylan ... daddy loves you, even before you were born. You make him a better person.

We hold different religion. But it doesn't matter.
We try to respect each other's right and freedom to express ourselves. Especially to God. It has to be a true call.

He drove mom and me to Vihara, willingly joined the blessing ceremony for baby Dy.
He patiently waited for me outside Dhammasala for 2 hours when I had Bhante from Indonesia came.
He never once told me to change my religion for him.

And that's why honey, .. I found it beautiful to see you praying.

A Kid inside of Me

I found this poem on my trip to my cousin's Open-Day School.
It was on the side board on the hall, along with other students' posting, but somehow I found hers is beautiful and so poetic. Especially for a 5th Grade Elementary Student.


~ MY INSIDE OUTSIDE POETRY ~

My Inside Self and Outside Self
Are as different as can be
 
My outside self is impatient
With dumb short dyed hair
I'm very short and cannot draw
I'm not pretty at all
With still no one to care
 
But my inside self is different
As you can see
 
My inside self is perfect
I'm calm and patient
With long gold hair
For all my family and friends to care
 
My inside self is petty
Which I can guarantee
Because inside me is a Dancer
Waiting to be free

by Linda Lin



In America, children at the youngest age are encouraged to express themselves. Look how beautiful their soul and mind nourish. I don't think I could make such a poem when I was 11 year old.

Just remember, ... there's a lil kid inside of you that dreams .. waiting to be free.

Selamat Hari Anak Nasional - 23 Juli 2004.

I hope deep in my heart, one day .. I can do something to help those unfortunate kids. I don't know how, so hear me God.

Every Child needs a Grandma

Sometimes I don't know if I do the right thing. I'm not perfect, life is not perfect. And you have so many doubts in your life. Decision to make, options to choose, but the worst of all is guilt.

I miss my mom a lot lately. It's been like how long? .. 7 months. I call her almost every 2 days since the last month. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I need to hear her voice. She's just a telephone away.

So there I go, .. feeding Dylan and talking to mom over the phone. A 10-minute plan always turns out to (at least) 45 minutes. If I have to name one best(est) friend in the world, I would say MOM. I can SMS her everyday and talk to her just about anything and it's just never hard to find any topics with her. I'm not bragging about how wonderful our mother-daughter relationship is. We disagree and we fight sometimes, and it's not a one-night process to build this kinda trust. Now that I'm a grown up, I could talk just about everything to her.

I don't know if it's the right decision to stay so far away from her. I have this funny feeling inside of me, a mellow sad kinda feeling ...

I picture her and me and Dylan having a lunch together, we are laughing. I have Dylan on my laps, then she said she wants to take over ... And there my boy, with his grandma, jumping on her lap. I can picture every single details of her facial expression, or the way her hands move, and the way she kisses Dylan. Love in her eyes, he wipes all the fears and troubles in her eyes. And I just sit there, still, wish I could freeze the moment on just that split second.

Is it intentionally cruel to separate a grandma from her beloved grandson?I mean, I have choices, and this choice is definitely not convinient for her. Her voice breaks down to cry on the phone whenever she says how much she wants to touch baby Dy. How jealous she is to my aunts or Oma here. I can't watch him grow, Ta .. and they can. And that's when the guilt strikes.

I always try to change the subject or I just say, mom, don't cry or I won't call you again. Of course that's bullshit. I will call her no matter what.
There are times, that things are not going perfectly well, and she shares it with me over the phone. And that's all I can do, just listening to her. I wish I could do more than that.


I'm just holding on to that phone, burning my ears from the heat of it. She's flooding herself out, and I just wait till she's finished. Dylan, who usually seeks for attention will just lay there, listening to me speaking to his grandma. And when he makes any sound, I will put the phone closer to him so mamie could hear Dy's voice.

Don't worry ma, he won't forget you. I'll show him your picture together. You, holding him when he was just born, you feed him in NICU, and you put him in your arms both looking so relaxed. He knows how much you love him, cause I'll tell him.

So come here again soon. I can't wait.

Just the Two of Us

There goes our first anniversary.
Just the two of us babe ..
Remember the old times when the world just revolved around us?
It seems like yesterday.

You were holding my hands and the future was uncertain.
But here we are now, not one, not two, but three.
And so much happiness was never been fulfilled till the day we had our son.

A hole in my soul ..
You and him, complete me.

We had a nice dinner, just the two us. It felt so weird that way, cause Dylan was always a part of our life in every single minute.
We dropped him by at his dearest grandaunt. He didn't seem to mind at all. No crying, no whimpering, no rebellion. He seemed to understand that it was mommy and daddy's day.

I dressed up in a pretty lavender dress, just to remind my husband that I still have the charm .. :) I sit on the front seat for the first time since a million years. I was nervous. It felt like our first date. And so did you .. haha .. We were lovers not parents.

We went to a French restaurant. I had champagne, you had your gin and tonic to start up. Then you picked up the food for me cause I was lost on those French words. We enjoyed our lovely dinner together without distraction. Talking about us, about the future.

I could use more days like that...

When we finished, I asked you, "Do you miss Dylan?". It was just 2 hours since we left him. You said yes. So I said, "Let's go pick him up....I miss him too".

I reserved those memories with me, but something that you said that afternoon after our stroll to the park that lingers in me forever.

You jokingly asked, "Who's our anniversary is today?". I shouted excitedly, "Us!!!"
Then you said, "Our first, .. and a 100 years to come"

About Crying

Hormon, .. Such a big mystery of women.
I think my hormon is back to its 'normal' state since Dylan's 6 month birthday. Last night, out of the blue I just wanted to cry, for no reason.
Well, I need reasons to cry, because without one, how could my tears flow.

Anton was confused why all the sudden I got so sad. And I explained to him that woman sometimes just like to cry. I don't even remember when was the last time I cry. Maybe when mama went back to Indo. That I cried the whole trip home from the airport.

But there was a reason for me to cry. This time, I just needed to cry because I missed crying. And I thought of all the possible reasons just to make me sad. It worked quite hard at first, but when it started flowing, the rest just followed. And then I felt better, ... maybe it was just hormon, or maybe my tearduct just got to full and needed to be used.

Good thing I'm a girl, so it's acceptable, eventhough hubby still got puzzled. Men just can't cry out of the blue, that's why maybe they say they don't understand women...

Man & Food

They say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Udah 2 hari ini aku masak makanan Padang. Kemaren bikin dendeng balado ama ketimun acar kuning. Turn out, acar timun nya enak banget ...

Anton ambil senyum² nanya,
"bikinnya pake apa sih yang?" ..
"Ya kayak yang kamu ajarin itu dong, tapi ik buat lebih enak dari je kan? Ada bumbu rahasianya tuh"

Dia merenges aja ... terus dia bilang,
"Mama saya pasti bangga nih kalo tahu"
Aku senyum aja, nggak komentar.

Hari ini aku iseng pengen makan ikan, jadi buat gulai ikan bandeng ama gulai nangka telor. Mana bikinnya stress lagi, Dylan rengek² sementara aku sibuk ngrajang ini itu (kepanasan kali sih, sucky weather). I almost gave up, untungnya akhirnya dia mau bobok dan aku bisa ngelarin masaknya.

Pas Anton pulang, dia ngeliat gulai ikannya ...
"Wuih, Padang banget nih ..., mama saya pasti bangga sama kamu, yang"

This time, I can't help but to ask
"Kok bangga kenapa?"
"Kalo mama tahu, dia akan bilang you pick the right woman to marry, Antonio"

Hey, honey ... you just make my day :)

Another threat

Pagi² bangun tidur, baca berita di CNN.com jadi bete aja. Masak headlinenya Major terror attack possible this summer.

Gimana rasa mau aman, bentar² teroris ini, teroris itu. Kemarennya juga ada bomb threat di Roosevelt Ave Station. Kok pas hari itu juga aku lagi naek kereta ama Dylan. Tapi arahnya berlawanan sih, ke Forest Hill. Cuman emang pas di platform ada announcementnya.

World peace is so far from reality, sigh.
What kind of world will my son live?

Mother's Day

This is the picture of the very first time I ever saw Dylan and holding him in my arms.

I'm so in love with this picture because there is a sense of purity around him that captured in this picture. It was originally in color and I transformed it to B&W to dramatize the aura that lingered around his face.
He was leaning towards my chest, so close to my heart and I was so happy to finally have him in my arms. The tip of my fingers showing of a bit, just enough to know that it was me holding him.

Happy Mother's Day, mama .. (I wish he could say that, but I can wait).

Children and Parents

Kadang² aku kepikir ama anak² yang nggak punya ortu. Kasihan banget deh ngebayanginnya. Kadang juga aku capek kalo lagi ngurusin Dylan, jadi kadang suka aku diemin aja dia maen sendiri. Biarpun sayang banget sama anak, juga kadang² kita kan ada jenuhnya 24/7 ngurusin dia melulu. Kalo udah gitu, suka kutaruh aja di ranjang, biar dia maen² sendiri ama playmat gym nya si kwak²..

Nggak lama juga pasti dia akan bosen mandangin bebek ama dengerin lagu² baby itu, jadi pasti dia rengek² pengen digendong. Suruh nge-gendong terus juga punggung nggak tahan lama² ... sakittt. Jadinya kutaruh lagi dia di ranjang atau di rocker. Nah, kalo dia udah diem² aja ... nggak ketawa-ketiwi, sambil ngeliatin mainannya .. atau kadang bengong aja, aku malah jadi trenyuh.

Dengan liat kondisi gitu aku jadi kepikir, .. gimana ya anak² di panti asuhan yang nggak punya orang tua? Mereka nggak pernah ngerasain curahan kasih sayang papa-mamanya. Meskipun ada juga yang take care, tapi nggak ada yang bisa nandingin care nya orang tua sendiri. Betapa hausnya mereka sama kasih sayang.

Enaknya dielus, enaknya ditimang, enaknya diajak ngobrol-ngobrol, bercanda ...
Dicium-cium, dipeluk, dimanja ...

Dulu waktu SD, temen deketku, si Grace tinggalnya di panti asuhan. Wah, tapi dia beda banget cara hidupnya. Glamour banget .. melebihin gue kemana-mana. Dia punya kamar sendiri, keren abis, ber-AC, barangnya bagus². Wah, pokoknya stylish banget deh .... Dan dia juga punya mami yang sayang habis, manjain dia ... Maminya bule yang ngatur panti asuhan itu. Jadi duitnya juga bukan duit Indo .. lavish life style lah. Nggak ada tuh panti asuhan yang kayak gitu. Kayak hotel habis deh. Gue sering maen ke situ, di anter jemput ama Tante Els, si maminya Grace, yang baeknya setengah mati.

Hebatnya si Grace ini tau siapa orang tua aslinya. Tapi dia nggak mau balik ke mereka, dia tetep mau stay ama maminya aja. Yah, siapa yang mau ninggalin mami yang ngebesarin dia dengan kasih sayang berlimpah ruah kayak gitu.
Cuman kadang gue berpikir, dia ada resentment nggak ya ama orang tua kandungnya ...
Meski dibilang hidupnya jauh lebih beruntung karena diadopsi.

Jadi orang tua itu nggak semudah yang kubayangkan dulu saat aku jadi anak.
Dan kurasa di dunia ini tidak ada yang namanya perfect parents.
I know what's coming in the following years ... pasti akan ada orang² yang berusaha ngasih "advice" atau kritik ini kritik itu about my parenting style. Yang kemaren² aja udah terjadi kok.
Pertama-tama rasanya keseeeeellll banget, shock, pengen marah, pengen nangis. Terutama nih masa² habis melahirkan, hormon superduper sensitif lagi peak²nya. Tapi lama² aku pikir ... sebodooo .. karena pengkritik² itu sendiri aku tahu juga bukanlah orang tua yang sempurna. So, why bother being distraught ..

Being parents is a learning experience.
Nobody knows best .. because each child is unique.
You try your best ...
and love a lot ..

~ love you Dy

A Taste of Spring

Hari ini, dan beberapa hari sebelumnya sudah terasa panas. Sekitar mid 70F, sepintas serasa Summer aja. Spring is in the air, .. and so is pollen... I got sore throat, sneezing, pilek, batuk². Apalagi kemaren malem, parah banget rasanya ni tenggorokan, ancuuur deh. Sakit banget kalo ngomong. Mana suami gue rada-rada budi lagi, kalo diajak ngomong mesti rada-rada keras. Kalo dah liat TV, matanya nggak kedip ...

Anton juga agak pusing², mungkin masuk angin karena emang agak² windy sih. Two adults get sick, but little baby is doing fine .. (I'm so happy with this fact though, and not feeling defeated at all).

Pagi, menjelang siang, makan dulu di IHOP, uuh yummy ... makan The Big Omelette Steak ama pancakes with strawberry and whip. Asli lapeeeerrr banget, jadi makan dengan lahapnya lah. Terus pulang ke rumah, pada kekenyangan ambil leyeh² di kasur, ... hawanya panas banget gitu ... pasang fan di kamar, rasanya ngantuuuuk banget. Antara pengen nggak pengen buat ke mall. Akhirnya udah deh, jadiin aja jalan², soalnya the weather was so nice, jadi kayaknya wasted banget kalo stay at home.

Terus jalan² lagi ke new mall, padahal hari Sabtu kemaren udah. Bagus sih, model kayak mall di Indo gitu. Heran ya kenapa mall di Indo jauh lebih bagus daripada di sini. Cuman disini enaknya banyak rest area sih, malah ada nursing room segala. Di Mall juga cuman muter² aja, pesen Mocha Malt Frap Venti nya Starbuck, terus makan di Food Court. Anton lagi pengen banget nyobain Fish & Chip nya Nathan's (gak enak, biasa aja lah). Heran ... padahal abis makan di IHOP loh ... akhirnya nggak abis kekenyangan.

Rasanya seneng deh kalo Anton di rumah, hatiku rasanya tentram ... biarpun nonton basket melulu ... ribut ngejagoin Knicks melulu (yang malem ini dibantai habis ama Nets). Hahaha ... kesian. Go Nets dong ... (kan I love Jason Kidds). Udah agak malem aku laper, nagih lah suruh dia masakin Meat Loaf ... Wooo ... super yummy. Emang inovasinya kalo lagi masak canggih deh ... Jadi ketagihan. Asyik lho punya suami bisa masak ... hehe ..

Rindu Belajar

Sudah setahun lebih aku selesai sekolahku. Masa² belajar semalam suntuk, bete, ketiduran di atas buku .. is over now. Dulu rasanya pengen sekali get over with all those stacks of textbook to read, paper to finish or group project to avoid (YUP!). It felt like hell when all the assignments had to be collected at about the same time. There was always a fight between group members, everybody just want to push in their own argument. Compromising was really a hard thing sometimes.

Now, I miss studying! Really ...
Watching "The Apprentice" kinda throw me back to the old days. Graduate program is about group projects, everything is group assignment. And so is the Show all about, how to handle different opinions, get your point across to you team mate, presenting to other teams & the professor, debating with logic and facts (though this is sometimes seems like a blur .. ).

The thing about school is that You hate it when you are in, but You miss it when you are done. Though for some people this might not be the case. But you gotta admit, there is something about school that will just make you miss somehow, someway ... the friends, the atmoshphere, the nice discount price for students :)

Sedih & Gembira

Kalau udah liat wajah Dylan, rasanya segala kesusahan, keresahan, dan pusing, langsung hilang. Biar barang semenit - 2 menit. Wajahnya yang begitu polos seolah-olah mengingatkanku bahwa nggak ada hal lain yang perlu dikhawatirkan amat-amat kalau dia sehat dan bahagia. Apalagi kalau dia senyum. Luruh hatiku. Rasanya nyesss ... langsung adem.

Aku bayangkan, enak ya jadi bayi, nggak ada pikiran bayar bill, urusan duit, atau tetek bengek kehidupan lainnya. Kesedihan yang paling pol kalau dia lapar. Dan yang pasti mama akan selalu ada untuk ngasih makan dia, meskipun kadang mesti nunggu dulu :)

Memang orang tuh selalu kok ya berandai-andai. Andai aku begini, andai aku begitu. Padahal tiap proses hidup yang dilalui itu untuk dinikmati setiap menitnya. Kalau menit yang sekarang tidak bisa dirasa, kenapa harus nunggu menit yang akan datang? Kalaupun akhirnya "saat yang ditunggu-tunggu" itu datang, toh juga akan berlalu dalam semenit.

Setiap peristiwa pasti kan berlalu, sebentar atau lama, susah atau sedih. Jadi ya kita terima saja. Phrase "Tak ada gunanya bersusah hati" menurutku nggak tepat, karena yang namanya "ngerasa susah" itu sudah kodrat naluri manusia yang dikasih Tuhan. Jadi ya lumrah aja kalo kadang kita ngerasa susah, nggak bisa tidur, males makan dll, pokoknya yang sebangsa gitulah. Sama juga dengan gembira, .. kalo gembira kita boleh ngerasain, kenapa kok susah nggak boleh ngerasain? Mungkin karena nggak enak kali ya. Dan orang susah ngefeknya lebih lama daripada orang gembira.

Tapi kalo nggak pernah susah, orang nggak akan tau betapa berartinya rasa gembira itu. Coba kalo kita seneeeeng terus, pasti kurang ajar umpak2an. (Contoh paling gampang kali Paris Hilton itu). Ah, belum tentu juga dia seneng melulu, yang namanya manusia, selalu bisa ngutak ngatik cari kesedihan, biar kayanya kayak apa.

Yah, biar sedih tapi tetap gembira (mana bisa ya?). Impossible ...
Rasain aja lah proses hidup jadi manusia, sedih-gembira itu lawan tapi kawan. Semuanya udah ada yang ngatur kok, asal jangan buat kesedihan karena kebodohan, gitu aja (meskipun kadang2 ini pun unavoidable).

Duh, life ... untung mama ada Dylan (and daddy!).Susah senang kita sama-sama ya ...

Redesign again

I see there's no limit to what you can do with Internet. I just redesigned Dylan's page. It was a long-hour and meticoulous work. I wonder if I'm that crazy to do such a thing. Maybe it's just a waste of time, but I love the final result. It looks great, and I finally able to put up the pictures page without having to upload to any "free" server. The good thing is that I can design it the way I want it.

Actually it hasn't been long since I made changes on the template, first I liked it but then it got under my skin. It was just not boyish enough, kinda girly looking and Dylan wasn't smiling anyway in the picture. He wasn't able to smile at that age! Hehe .. Now he's more smiley, but it still hard to get a good picture of his smiling gummy face. Somehow he managed to get away with the smiles thing everytime I hold a camera. He seems to know what's going on. That pretty amazes me, cause he's just 3 months old in this world and he knows how to get away with stuff already! LOL.

Anton wonders what I've been doing. He may not understand why his wife cares so much to such thing like that. That was just my assumption though, he didn't say anything anyway. He was home early today and I loved it. It was always nice when daddy's home.

Through His Eyes

I was playing with him on the bed. I had him on my lap and the sun was shining through the window. We were gigling and stuff. Then, he was smiling and staring at me and I see my reflection, so clearly ... in his eyes.

I asked myself,
Does he know that I love him?
Does he know that he's so pure and tender?
Does he know that I wish he stays like this forever?
Does he know that time flies so fast?

It doesn't matter he knows or not.

He's happy .. and that's all for now.

Identity Theft

I've been getting a lot of marketing calls these days. Woooh, how I hate it. Offering debt consolidation, mortgage, bla bla. I wonder why now I got all these phone calls. It's a bit intriguing to me. I'm trying to check my credit report, is something going on without my knowledge? I'm scared that I got to be one of the identity theft victim.

According to report, 1 in every 20 Americans has been an id theft victim. When I check the report, it needs my verification first before I can access the account. It says that I might have a mortgage and I have to choose the amount that I pay per month. What the hell???

Update:
I can't wait any longer, so I order the 3-in-1 credit reports. Consumer Info offers Free Credit Report, but heck it's just a gimmick, cause it takes forever to actually gain access!! Paid 30 bucks for it, and I am relieved! Clear trails .. :)

Building a credit is very important in the US. Better score on your credit report means creditors will be more willing to lend you money, lower mortgage rate, better benefit, lower rate on credit card, easier buying, etc. I just want to be cautious about the financial thing, especially now I have a child. Financial planning is definitely a priority on my list now. What to pay for insurance, education, savings, bills. Especially we are one-income family, I should be more wise on spending budget. Sometimes I am so let loose. It's so easy to order things over the internet. And I have this addiction with Target (who doesn't? It's cheap and carries cute stuff).

I probably won't go to work for the next couple of months. I am sooo in love with my son. Watching him smiling back at me. How my heart melts right away ... everything else is just a blur for that split second. And I feel like I don't want to leave him with somebody else. I must realize though somehow that I need extra money for us. It's not about buying him toys every now and then, but planning to give the best that I could for him. His education especially. Daddy has a plan already for Dylan, NYU it is ... And he's not even a year old yet! Ok daddy, NYU will wait for Dylan in 20 years. Meanwhile we got to manage a way to get him through there ..

to Journal

I think I have reservation now on writing here. I feel not as free to liberate my mind as I used to. The fact that so many people read it, doesn't really bother me that much.

I'm such a liar .. yes it does bother me. The idea of internet is to remain anonymous. You don't have to know me. You just need to know that someone, somebody out there has a piece of mind. You read if you like it and you don't if you don't. Simple as that.

But people are curious you know. When you read something that intrigues you, you want to know deeper about that person. You dig deeper, you want to see pictures, you want to know what's going on. It's human nature.

When people dig you, you're a good writer or you have a personal thing. That's how this whole blogging thing started. I was curious, then I found out more. And now I have some archives trail on me.
As much as I enjoy blogging, sometimes I miss to write on my old paper book. Writing it by hand, on my bed. It seems more valuable to preserve in the later years than merely sitting on a server.

I still have my old diary. The one that I wrote on since I was 12 years-old. It's fun to read it again. To laugh on my stupidity and innocence. Oh so naive ... you were once a little girl.

Maybe I am just being sentimental.

Happy Birthday Darling

He came home around 12, nearly passed his birthday, but made it on time. He looked happy though tired. I was wating for him anxiously and just glad to see his face storming through the door. I put my gift on the table so he could see it. It was a big box wrapped with red paper and a big white-silver-red bow on top of it. Inside was an mp3 player, very tiny one, I love the design, it was so compact, stylish and trendy. Not much, but I knew he wanted a small mp3 player for his commute to work.

He opened the box, looked through it .. and he was all smile. He loved it! He asked me how could I knew that's what he wanted. I said ... "I'm your wife, silly ... I know what you want". (at least this time around). I put two cards inside, one from me, one from Dylan. He read them while I was getting busy in the kitchen, preparing our dinner. When I turned around, he was right behind me, giving me a hug. Then he said:

"Thank you yang, ... Saya jadi sedih ... "
"Kok sedih?"
"Because I'm so happy"
In a glimpse I see tears in his eyes, but he holds me tight, doesn't want me to see him tearing.

I bought a funky little chocolate cream cake. Real small .. just to seal the deal of birthday event. Lit up the candles, took some pics, and heading to bed.
He was in bed with Dylan lying on his chest, he invited me over to get inside his arms. It was the three of us, together. I felt so warm and with so much love. And I was scared *You know the feeling of it's to good to be true* .. but then I let go my fear. I said to myself, .. it's real, just enjoy this moment right here, right now.

He gave a gentle squeeze to me and Dylan and I heard him saying softly .. "Mi familia ... "

Kaleidoscope 2003

It's a remarkable year for me.
It's the pinnacle and milestone on so many things in my life.

1. First event is that I finally finish the long and winding road of school. I graduated for my MBA in 3 - hard working - years. I worked my ass off to finance my school tuition every semester, not knowing how I could get the money to go on. I couldn't ask my parents because it was my responsibility to take care of myself and I felt ashamed to beg for money from them. Situation in Indonesia is not easy, I can't ask them to pay US Dollar while they're earning Rp. No, it wasn't a good idea.

On top of that, my hands hurt soooo bad from too much working. Both got Carpal Tunnel Syndromme plus Dequervain Syndromme. There was one moment that I couldn't even move my right tumb to the simplest up and down movement because of the excruciating pain that I had.

I worked 6 days a week, 10 to 6, and going to school afterwards. I would be home by 10 or 11, dead tired, only to repeat the whole thing again the next day. While others having vacation in Summer, I would work my ass off to get money to pay for my tuition. All work no play ... Never in my life I had to struggle that hard, physically and mentally. But it was my choice, so I had to deal with it.

Anyhow I couldn't make it throught the darkest time if I don't have "angels" around me. Gisela, she's one of my angel ... one of the bestest friend I've ever had. Everytime I heard the song "Angels on My Shoulder", it always remind me of her. She might not know it, but she's an angel to me. She was my tower of strength.

And Tante Carol, .. how I miss her sometimes. She opened the door for me when I needed a shelter, and she gave me so much more than just a roof over my head. Wisdom and warmth of a mother she offered. I wish she knew how much she meant to me.

Mrs. Pat Lewis, the councelor who helped me through my academic struggle, she lights up the torch at the end of the tunnel. Professor Ma, who helped me to get an internship in NYSE. I got the chance to work in the center of financial world. I couldn't believe when I got the access to be in the most famous Wall Street building. And I got to get in the Floor where all the brokers trade. Wonderful, unforgettable experience.

And last but not least, at the end, it's always your parents who will save you no matter what. Thanks mama - papa, ... for your understanding, your love, and your encouragement to me. To stand by me in any situation. I can't finish school without your help, pa, who's been generously support me for the whole last semester so I didn't have to work and could intern.

2. I got married to my dear husband. I've been waiting for that special someone so long, I thought I would never find him. And the funniest thing is that, there was this lady, Linda, who told me before I went back to Indo in summer 2002. She said, .. whoever you'll see in your country, it's not him. You'll meet your soulmate here in New York. He's a nice young man. I just laughed .. didn't take it seriously. Look where I am now.

We had our honeymoon in Las Vegas ... yeah!! It was boiling hot but we really had a great fun there. Love every minute of it! We stayed at The Mirage, and every morning at 10 o'clock, we'd go down to the lushious tropical pool, took a swim, had nice drink, sit on the lazy chair under the palm tree and listening to the sound of the splashing water. We would fall asleep there sometimes. It was soooo nice. Definitely will go back there when we get a chance.

Marriage is a process to get to know your partner more than ever. He's a pain in the azz sometimes (hehe) but I love him more than the first time I could ever remember. He's definitely a man with a few words, and that's why I fell in love to him. I should remember that ... He's great, I shouldn't complain ... Well, one can hope for a lil improvisation here and there, right? *smirk*

3. I got pregnant and mom could make it to come here!!!! I was so excited when I picked her up in the airport that I forgot to take a picture!! Gosh .. Couldn't believe she could be here for me when I deliver my baby.

Then finally, the day Dylan arrived to the world. My beautiful baby ... I finally have my own. It's been a long life dream to be a mother. Every time I look at him, I say to myself ... It's a gift from Heaven ... . He's so cute and so tender. Everything is so tiny and soft. Oooohh, every pain that I had is worth fighting for. He's sleeping on my lap right now ... sleeping oh so soundly, and I just have to kiss those chubby cheeks .. (Mama loves you Dylan ... love you, love you, love you)
And everytime I look at Anton, I say .. oh darling, you make my dream comes true. Thanks for giving me such a precious lil boy.

I think God's been good to me ..^_^

Welcome 2004!
May it be the best ahead

Being a Mother

It's not as easy as I thought. That's why it's noble thing. It's definitely a 24/7 job, no day off, I can't even recall the last time I had a 6-hour sleep. An 8-hour sleep? Foggetaboutit .. that would be a miracle. I am lucky to have a straight 3-hour sleep. There were times that I was so down ... partly because I hate being bothered while I'm sleeping. But no I can't argue with a 1 month-old sweetheart .. he's a lil monster by ear but a lil angel by eyes.

The fact that I'm craving for sleep, it's kinda funny that if he doesn't make any sound for every 2 or 3 hours, I would bug him just to make sure he's breathing ... and I do miss grabbing those chubby tiny fingers ... kissing his hanging cheeks .. and feel his warmth body against mine.

Sometimes we would fall asleep with him on top of me and I got stiff neck because I wouldn't be able to move for the next 2 hours. But it was the best feeling in the world. His small body warms my skin, but especially my heart. Cause you're so close to me baby ..

It's a Boy

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Dylan on November 22. He's healthy and growing so much now. The birth process was not easy. 24 hours labor was so painful, but thankfully I survived the worst and now starting to enjoy the joy and (pain) of motherhood. hehe ..

All that matters now is that he's healthy and growing good, mentally and physically. Mom is terribly tired. Dad too. He's been a great and paranoid father all at the same time. Later on I could laugh at him, and he thought he was laid back .. not so much anymore. Terribly nervous when the baby cries, or cough or peeling skin. So much with the aggrevation, I took him to the doctor with me and confront his concerns. As I thought, doctor was on my side, there's nothing to worry about. He's happy .. but I'm more happy. Stop bugging me darling ... your son is just fine.

I'm recovering from post-partum day by day, with the help of my wonderful mom and outstanding husband. I felt lucky, eventhough I got the effect of baby blues a little bit for the first week. Maybe because the delivery wasn't so easy and my body took it very seriously. I was so swollen, my feet grew twice their size, thanks to the enormous IVs they put on me. My incision hurt like hell, and not to mention my feeling was bruised because I felt that I wasn't strong enough. I thought everything was going to be "normal", but I went through a lot, from the premature rupture, stop of dilation, fever, oxygen mask, 3-shots of epidural, c-section and the baby being in NICU.

I remember nurse Kelly said, "Don't worry sweetie, it's only gonna get better".

Almost Midnight

I was so tired but now I am worried. I am waiting for him to come home ... safe. It's almost midnight and I feel like my heart is falling out of place.

You know the problem with loving too much? attachment ..

To Have and To Hold

Rencana sukses buat surprise Oma dan Iik .. haha ... Mom is so naughty. Bisa²nya deh. Mereka kaget banget waktu liat mom show up, padahal rencananya baru hari Rabu nongol. Oma ampe nganga ngeliat mom tiba² udah nongol di rumahnya. Iik juga bingung, ketawa² ambil megang mom, bener nggak sih ... bener nggak sih ... gitu terus katanya. LOL

According to plan, baru Rabu mom nyampe .. well at least that's what they thought.

Anton and I picked her up in JFK Airport about 1 PM on Sunday (11/9). Katanya pesawatnya bakal datang earlier, ternyata tetep aja nunggunya lama .... Ada 1.5 jam lebih kita nungguinnya .. nggak nongol². Aku dah capek berdiri nungguinnya ... Aku sempet bet ama Anton kalo dia ngenalin wajah mam nggak .. kukasih waktu 5 sec to do it. Ternyata dia langsung tau ... hehe .. good son in law.

Senengnyaaaa ketemu mom, begitu hug dia, biasa deh langsung mengharu biru gitu ... kalo nggak inget diledekin Anton sebelomnya ... mungkin gue dengan cueknya bakal nangis² di situ ... Dia udah godain ... Pasti kamu bakal nangis entar ketemu mama ... haha .. u'r right hon .. I did.

Malemnya kita berdua ngrumpi habis .. haha .. kesian my hubby, dia kebangun gara² akunya heboh cerita. Pertamanya sih dia nggak mau tidur barengan di kamar, di sofa aja katanya ... mungkin canggung ama mertua. But later on, ternyata dia nggak canggung ama mama ... I know why somehow, .. she's so warm, she makes everyone feel comfortable to her instantly.

Sekarang udah tenang deh ... mom is here ... tadi ke dokter aja, ditemenin dia ..

Amazing to think that distance is sometimes nothing.

It's almost surreal to see her soothing face.
to feel her silky hands.
to joke around and gigling like high school girls.
to hold her when I walk on the street.
to call someone "Mother" not over the phone, but face to face.

Thanks for being here with me mom ..

Arrival Day

She's coming ...
Soon ..
Not in a matter of days .. but hours.

MOM, I'LL BE SEEING YOU IN THE MORNING! :)

Kesel ma orang

Pernah nggak kesel sama orang padahal dia nggak jahat, hanya ngeselin banget aja.
Jelek nggak, iseng nggak, tapi ngobrolnya nggak nyambung dan basi banget.
Nggak tau kenapa bawaannya jadi bete melulu kalo deket orang itu.

Aku ngerasa kok jahat amat ya ..
Aku baikin lagi, biar nggak terlalu ekstrem dia ngerasanya ..
Tapi ehhhhhhh .... ngeselinnya keluar lagi.
Bawaannya jengkel aja ..

Heran gue ... dia nggak bodoh, malah cenderung pinter kalo diliat dari the way he makes money for living.
Tapi kok lagak lagunya kayak orang oon.
Maybe because I don't like orang yang kebanyakan basa basi dan nggak mandiri.
Aku nggak suka banget sama orang yang terlalu count on somebody else.
Perkara besar masih mending, kalo masalah kecil masak mesti ditunjukin satu² langkah apa yang mesti diambil. Lhaa ilahhhh gusti, nyuwun ngapurooo ..

Grow up, wipe your own ass!!!

People change

Are you still the same person?

Sometimes I asked that to myself.
Me now and me then I guess are not quite the same.
You change and you don't in a way.

Life changes your perspective.
It teaches you to bend a little bit or a lot.
Whichever works.

Too Small

I hardly browse around people blogs these days ... Only a few blogs that I like most or the ones that belong to my close friends so I can keep posted on how their life's doing.

I notice that some blogs have itty bitty fonts, and the colors are not helping either. Sometimes tiny fonts work fine with the right combination of colors, but ehmm ... that's not always the case.

Aku jadi mikir, kalo emang niatnya pengen dibaca orang ... kenapa nulisnya pake huruf keciiiiilll banget, udah gitu susah lagi ngebacanya. Aduh, kalo gue sih pass aja deh ... mataku langsung kabur. Give up deh kalo yang kayak gitu ... tatit bok.

Nah, aku jadi mikir ... kayaknya design itu nggak hanya segi estetik aja ... tapi juga segi practical.

Mnemonic

Kenapa yah kalo dengerin lagu tertentu ... maksudku lagu lawas, kenangan kita dibawa kembali ke suatu masa. Suatu masa yang spesifik, ... kayaknya flash back kejadian² yang pernah ada dulu.

Ingatanku kayaknya berbau gambar atau graphic mnemonic. Aku kuat mengingat peristiwa dalam bentuk gambar². I see pictures in my mind, like slides of movies.
Makanya kalo muka orang aku gampang ingat, biar mesti cuman selintas ... (oops, interuption .. my baby lagi ngolet² di dalam .. apa sayang ...).

I think I realize this on my 20ish .. not before. It does make it easier to recall my memory on my final term .. I can't remember what it is, but I know where it is located. Makanya kalo suruh ngapalin something .. apal mati bahan ulangan yang berlembar², aku pasti pake "jembatan keledai " yang rada² berbau imajinatif. Kukarang-karang sendiri suatu cerita yang gambarin urutan proses itu. It works fine for me ..

Kayak sekarang aku lagi dengerin lagu "Whenever You Call" ... I feel like I fly back to my boarding house in Bandung. Duduk di depan meja komputer, dengan hawa yang dinginnya ... puncak Gedung Sate tertutup kabut, keliatan dari kamarku. I had the biggest room ... it was a luxury that I could afford because I loved that secluded corner to be my nook. I was broken hearted ... but now I'm smiling ...

I always remember, part of you so tender ...

Awalnya dari Camera

Aku lagi pengeeeen banget beli digital camera. Persiapan bok, persiapan .. bisa-bisanya di depan komputer berjam-jam cuman baca review dan compare products. Sampe mataku sakit, ... dodol kalo dipikir-pikir. Tapi gimana, .. habbit ... lagian kan sayang kalo beli barang elektronik yang mahal udah itu aku nggak suka. Beginilah kalo budget buyer .. hehe, well mungkin lebih bagusnya smart customer. Hihi ...

Benernya Ku tahu yang ku mau ... tinggal search cari harga termurah aja. Entah kenapa kok aku nggak sreg sreg banget beli lewat eBay. Menurutku setelah kena S&H harganya sama aja dengan harga toko. Belum lagi kalo mesti complain² ada problem, mungkin part of me masih "brick & mortar minded".

Dengan budgetku saat ini, dan priority on the image quality, kayaknya Canon Powershot A300 yang paling masuk kriteria. Dengan 3.2 Megapixel and 5.1 digital zoomnya, mana harga dibawah 200 bucks, what a deal!!

Dari yang pertama banyak option kayak Sony dan Kodak, masing² dengan scale dan pertimbangan tertentu, akhirnya pilihanku jatuh ke yang satu itu. Kalo nurutin keinginan semata, maunya pasti yang macem², tapi kita harus bisa kompromi sama keadaan.

Aku jadi mikir .. kalo kita ingin sesuatu .. bener² ingin sesuatu, kita akan persistent ngejarnya, nggak inget capek kadang ... taunya tiba² badan sakit nggak bisa digerakin (well, in this scenario at least *hehe*).

Tapi itu kayaknya value dari sebuah konsistensi dan persistensi (ada nggak sih istilah ini dalam bahasa Indonesia?). Ada harga yang harus dibayar ... tapi kita siap membayarnya. Dan yang penting, mantapnya itu lho!

Bad Dream

I woke up a little after 2 from a bad dream. I felt like I was on the gory streets, driving a pickup car, a bit lost .. I didn't want to continue my journey. Something told me not to pass through those streets, I made a U turn. Then all the sudden 2 old guys jumped in to the back of my car .. pounding on the glass window. They looked strong and vicious. Scarry ... I still can see it in my mind. But then I saw a young guy out of the corner of my eyes, on the side of my truck, following me, but those two scarry guys didn't seem to see him.

I have to wake up ... I just have to.

Is it symbolic? I don't know. I felt disturbed ...

Memori

Nggak ada manusia yang hidup tanpa memori. Memori adalah penggalan-penggalan cerita yang membentuk jalan hidup seseorang. Apa artinya dirimu kalau kau tak pernah ingat yang pernah terjadi di masa lalu?

I don't remember my childhood under 5. It's always a pleasure for me to dig it through mom. I'm quite amazed by her stories and sometimes I'd keep asking the same question over and over about my childhood. It does irritate her *grin*, but I just love it ..

Ada memori yang indah, ada memori yang menyakitkan. Itulah dua sisi kehidupan. Memori indah membuat kita kuat, tegar, dan ringan. It gives us hope. Anehnya, memori buruk lebih berkesan daripada memori indah. Padahal kita tahu, it despairs us.

Mungkin yang namanya manusia nggak bisa lari dari sejarah hidupnya, dipungkiri atau tidak. Setiap esensi "the past" is part of today and the future. You just can't get away with it.

In memoriam of Sept 11, 2001

End of Summer

New York mulai dingin lagi. I like that.
It never feels like I'm in NY unless it's cold.
Mungkin karena waktu itu winter ketika pertama kali aku menapakkan kaki ke kota ini.
Setiap winter selalu menghadirkan aroma yang sama.
Aroma? ya .. aroma udara kota ini.

Hari ini tanggal 1 September, Labor Day.
Hari yang menandai berakhirnya musim panas.
Dan entah kenapa di pergantian season ini, aku merasa gerah.
Sebentar lagi daun daun berganti warna, lalu berguguran.

Setiap musim kelihatannya membawaku mengenang ke masa lalu.
Dalam kilasan tersendiri.
Setahun lalu ... dua tahun lalu .. tiga tahun lalu ...
Dan ketika sedih melanda, aku biarkan saja.
Kuluapkan hingga habis.
Baru sesudah itu aku bisa mengenang yang manis.
Oh, sweet life ....

I don't understand

Why would anyone abuse a 3-year-old girl?
Starve her to death.
Change those bright eyes of her so shadowy and old.
She supposed to run around and laugh, not crying from hunger.

BlackOut

Thursday, August 14, 2003, the electric power down on the whole North East America + Canada. Around 50 million people out of it for about 16 hours, some less, some more. The greatest blackout history in North America. Mulai sekitar jam 4 lebih, tiba2 TV mati, .. aku heran ... lho kok tumben .. I thought it would be for 10 or mostly 30 minutes, but I turned out wrong.

I needed the AC more than anything else in the world right now. It was too damn hot for a pregnant woman to survive on the humidity and the heat of it. I don't think I am spoiled, I need it and I know I do. Hours passed by and I realized that I needed to get out of the house, try to find some comfort in the mall. I was thinking to stop by at Ryan's and play with my lil cousin. I had my non fancy 10-bucks phone, the one with no electrical plugs set up, cause the cordless was just dead. So I called over there. Apparently, no electric either there, I found out that the whole Manhattan and Queens got the power out. Ok, .. that was it, Queens Mall here I come. Well, well, .. a trip worth to save, the whole damn thing was dark too. Went back home, waiting for the sun to set and some mercy from the mother nature. Blow some wind please .... So there I was, sitting on my patio (thank God I have one) the whole time. A rush to the grocery store when Sur came back, got some cans of soups and cookies. Just in case....

I waited my hubby to get home, I was glad I got some phone calls from Tante Rin, she was walking on the Queensbridge with my hubby!! haha ... pretty amazing how they could bump on each other among those thousands people. I thought he would be home by 10 or something, but nope ... I was glad to see his face when he showed up at 8. Hungry as hell, we had dinner outside by the patio, and it's getting dark. It was fun though. When we're done, something was missing ... my Internet and his Cable TV. Thankfully, we got a battery-operated CD with radio. And I had those little crappy PC speakers I never threw. We sit by the patio and listening to the news. Then he said, "Kayak jaman2 PKI gini ya yang .. hehehe"

It was still too hot inside, so we just linger outside. And it was great to experience New York without a single light (except from the cars). Why? Cause when I looked up, I saw many stars in the dark. You'll never see stars in this city that never sleeps. So it was unsual. And despite my restless and sleepless night, God was pretty good to us. Everything was calm and kinda bright outside. As I wonder why, the moon was full with its silvery ray. So it was a damn hot night, but not really a dark one ...

"Terkenang"

Aku tadi jalan di sekitar Justice Ave, di bawah kuningnya sinar lampu malam.
Aku cuma mau beli sekotak susu buat Dylan.
Tubuhku semakin berat sekarang, dan itu yang membuat langkahku jadi lebih pendek dan perlahan.
Kusadari dari semakin jauhnya beda orang yang menyalipku.
Nggak ada lagi yang namanya jalan ala New Yorker, alias gerak cepat itu.
Dan langkahku yang tersendat itu justru tiba-tiba membuatku terkenang.
Aku terkenang malam-malam di daerah Mendut, biasanya menjelang Mei dengan adik-adiku.
Kami suka jalan-jalan di sekitar candi Mendut.
Rame-rame, sambil liat-liat kalo ada tahu goreng atau singkong yang bisa dibeli.

Di bawah lampu kuning remang-remang, dengan latar aspal.
Kenapa aku alami dejavu ini?
Lalu aku jadi bertanya, apa bedanya New York dengan Mendut kalo sudah begini?
Ternyata nggak jauh beda.
Apalagi ketika aku mendongak, di atas sana ada bulan penuh keemasan.
Cantik sekali.

How are you bros? I miss our childhood.

"His Pheromone "

Body odor is really a big thing ... for me.
Especially for my man ... he gotta smell nice.
And I'm not talking about a bunch of perfume sprayed all over ...
I'm talking about the mix of scents that the body produces with the perfume, deodorant, or any kind of artificial scent used.

I believe I'm not the only woman who experience this.
Tracing back ... I remember that I always go crazy with my lover's smell.
It's gotta be the smell, on the body, on the clothes, on the air when he stands close to me.

I recalled one guy who was really cute and head over heel for me, but I was never attracted to him.
No matter how hard he tried ... My friend called me a fool, but I just couldn't understand at that time, why I didn't even show the slightest interest to him. His smell was okay, but not good enough to induce me.

One time I read across an article about Pheromone and How It Affects on Human. I heard about the word pheromone thousand times ... but never really know what it is exactly. It was on Marie Claire, I don't remember what edition. It just explains mostly the mistery of my attraction or craziness toward smell.

What about when he's all sweaty? Does it still have the same seducing effect?? Well maybe .. but mostly no.
Cleanness is one major attribute to attraction. Stickiness really doesn't count, right girls? *wink *

I go crazy on my hubby's smell ... The smell of his neck, the smell of his old t-shirt ... the smell of the pillow that he sleeps on. The blend of his natural body scent and his perfume... mmmm ... it just makes me high, I'll be like .. aahhhhhh ...

So guys, ... go clean up yourself and ask your girls what kinda smell she likes on you. It doesn't always have to be an expensive perfume .. It just have to be the right scent! The most important thing is that, one scent could be the sexiest thing to girl A, but the other way around for girl B. The pheromone effect differs from one person to another. Well, you just have to find out the perfect ingredients.

Don't believe it?? Try it yourself.

"Males"

Akhir2 ini kerasa aneh, keinginan untuk update blog ini ada ... banyak yang protes kenapa aku sekarang hampir nggak pernah nulis lagi. Bisa sebulan sekali malah. Terkadang nulis sedikit, stop ... bosan ... nggak bisa nerusin lagi. Tiba-tiba aja aku berpikir, mungkin nasib postingan kali ini bakal sama seperti rekan-rekan terdahulunya. ha .. ha .. ha .. ya apa boleh buat kalo gitu. Atau kalau nggak bosan di tengah jalan gini, .. sering saat off computer, di pikiranku muncul ide tertentu, tapi begitu i sat my butt down dan mulai buka blogger ... everything's gone out of my head. Apakah semua proses inspirasiku itu menguap begitu aja jadi salah satu korban sel otak yang mati percuma. Intinya menurutku .. aku nggak bisa konsen, nggak bisa fokus. Mungkin emang ada masa jenuh .. dan ini saatnya kali.

"Looking for Perfection"

I wonder what is the limit of perfection in finding someone special ... I suppose it will vary between one to another, but the search itself remains the same. How do we fall in love at the first place? Perfect now or perfect later?

Nobody's perfect ... Yeah, we heard that a million times before.
But the question is ... Do we really realize that nobody's perfect?
If then, why do we still demand somebody else's to fit in our image?
Thus creates anger, heart break, and disappointment ...

The thing is .. there is a time frame when you think someone's perfect.
Afterwards, all you see is flaw. This is when the brain really starts to work. HAH!
Before, ... we were blinded by heart and nothing seemed to matter.
We need them both, heart and brain, to realize that LOVE is a cross of perfection and flaw.

"De ja Vu"

Hujan rintik-rintik di luar. Meniriskan nuansa kelabu.
Ada terang lampu jalanan mengiringi tetesnya jatuh ke bumi.
Butiran butiran itu seperti menari pelan di udara malam yang terasa humid.
Dan aku hanya berdiri menatap lekat.
Seperti terbawa ke suatu masa ke tanah kanak-kanakku.
Di balik jendela kamar, selalu kutatap untaian jatuhnya.
Dan kuhirup bau tanah basah, masuk pelan ke relung memoriku.
Aku rindu lihat hijau legit kebun basahku.

Tik, tik, tik, bunyi hujan di atas genting,
airnya turun tidak terkira ....

"Graduation and Vacation"

It feels like years since I update this site. I know I kinda desert it, I have no choice ... it's not just merely laziness, but this week has been a little hectic for me. First of all, I got my *3-year long suffering my ass* in school finito .. in other word, I graduated *hail hail* ... Held on Madison Square Garden on May 28, 2003 at 11:00 AM. I finally got the chance to wear the cap and gown I've been longing for, well ... not really but that was my goal at the moment. I managed to have my study done .. not actually on time, but I've made it toward the end of the tunnel. My parents weren't there, but my grandma, uncle, aunt, bestfriend and my love were there to attend the ceremony with me. Oma came with a bucket of pretty flowers ... I think she was proud that I finish it since she was the one who started this whole thing up anyway. If it wasn't her, I might never be here anyway. Thanks, Oma ....

The commencement was not as boring as I thought it would be, pretty quick compared to the last time I attended Gigi's. Raja was feeling like a photographer with that zoom camera he got ... So we made a bunch of pictures .... I was pretty lost in the magnitude of the stadium, it's the big one for Knicks to play on the NBA game. I was a little desperate to see the amount of people and everybody looked the same ... where the hell is my family sitting now??? I had my pocketbook with Anong and no cell phone on my hand ... and not even a single quarter. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FIND THEM?? I say .. what the heck ... I'll manage somehow. Among 2000 graduates (undergrad and grad), I felt a little squished ... the guys next to me breathe through my face .. yuck, ... hellooooo ... some gum please ... What can I do anyway? .. I got no choice. Just sit still and hoped it finish before I got panic attack from bad breath ... *yeah, bad breath sucks .. big time!!*

After it ended, I finally found them, one by one ... well, I found Anong first ... he knew where I would think to find him, we're connected ... *hehehe .. right, hon?*. So glad to see his face among the crowd. Then we all managed to one group eventually, .... talk talk talk ... click click click ... ok, now heading to subway to Chinatown. I had to get some food ... Decide to go to Jaya (Malaysian Restaurant) ... got the sitting outside by the sidewalk .. pretty nice ... nice food, nice lunch ... ok, go home now. My heels were killing me ... I'm a sucker to high heels ...

The next big event was that my uncle came from Louisiana, which means a lot of family gathering ... pretty much almost everyday ... but I skipped some of them, too tired with too much excitement anyway. Some bar-BQs and Oma's home cooking ... super duper yummy ... hail to that SUP HISIT she made....

Ok, next ...We're going to Vegas tomorrow ... ahaaaaaa ... vacation vacation ... I deserve it ... so I've been packing and going back and forth to the travel agency, which I found kinda fun ... I'm too excited anyway perhaps ...I can't wait to be on that lustrous free form tropical swimming pool ... sitting by the pool reading magazine or just let myself float on the water. *smirk* I'm not done with packing yet ... and got to get up early to catch my flight so I better end it now and get some rest.

OFF TO BED ... LATER :)

"It feels good"

Yah, yah ... emang gue lagi maleeessss banget ngapa2in aja, ... apalagi nge update blog ini, ... hehehe. Nggak ada inspirasi yang mengundang selera sama sekali, kali udah agak bosankah? ... mungkin.

Hari ini seperti biasa pulang kerja, laper ... pengen banget makan yang kuah2 .. so jadi gue rela2in jalan ke resto Thai untuk beli fish cake noodle soup. Padahal di luar dingin sekali soalnya hujan angin .. mesti biar rintik2 juga lumayan dinginnya bikin gue gemeteran. Ya udah, gak papa .. daripada di rumah bengong kelaparan, .. lagi ngga mood makan indomie hari ini. So, jalan lah gue ... nggak pake naek train segala. Nah, on the way home ... gelap2 .. kok ada sesuatu yang tergeletak di jalan, ... kok kayak dompet? Gue pungut lah tu dompet, gue liat ... ada duitnya $ 80 ... ya udah gue masukin tas. Jalan lagi, ... sampe rumah .. eh si Sr lagi ngepel2 kamarnya ... duh yang mau pindahan bok .. Si cerewet satu ini nanya melulu sementara gue lagi makan ... pengen gue getok aja tuh orang. Trus udah selesai makan, gue bongkar hasil temuan gue tadi di jalan. Gue liat isi dompet itu ...

Ada duit sekitar cepek dollar ... terus check $2000 pake nama tuh orang, plus blank check udah ditanda tangan sebesar $500 .. tinggal di cashin doang *smirk* (you wish!). Di dompet ada ID banyak, credit card 2 biji, ada label nama sticker plus alamatnya ... Gue oprek2 lagi, .. nggak ada nomer telponnya. Ya udah deh, online lah gue buat nyari no telp si empunya dompet ini. Kagak ketemu ... kali dia pasang telpon unlisted, ... akhirnya gue cari alamat si empunya check $500 tadi .. namanya CHS, kotak-katik di web, kagak jelas ... last name sama, tapi first name beda ... bodo ah, gue telpon aja ... ternyata bukan, padahal gue udah jelasin kalo gue nemu dompet. Ternyata beda apt tapi satu building ... eh, dia malah mo bantuin nge-ring apt si CHS ini ... baek juga, ... trus katanya mo telp balik. Ya udah gue hanged up the phone, .. tapi kagak nelpon2 ... Gimana nih, .. niat baik aja kok susah banget??

Gue liat2 lagi ID dia, kagak ada no telp sama sekali ... cuman alamat ... Terus gue liat check yang $2,000 ada namanya HYT, tapi kagak ada alamatnya ... ya udah gue coba2 lagi ... eh, malah ada ketemu satu doang .. persis plek keteplek namanya. Gue liat jam .. udah jam 10:35 PM, bodo ah ... gue telpon deh. Udah kepalang tanggung ... ring .. ring .. ring ... diangkat ... orang itu sendiri yang angkat ... terus gue ceritain duduk ceritanya ... Dia terkaget-kaget, kok gue bisa nemuin no telp dia. Gue bilang ... dari internet ... (apa sih yang nggak bisa ditemuin di internet sekarang .. nggak usah panik). Terus dia kasih nomer telpon si master dompet ... plus gue tinggalin no telp gue ke dia. Gue telpon ke rumahnya, .. ngga ada yang angkat. Ya udah, gue leave message aja.

Singkat kata singkat cerita, si YYL (master dompet) nelpon gue dengan nada takut2 hueehehe (takut udah gue colong duitnya kali ... hehe) Dia bilang mo dateng sekarang ... mumpung lagi di neighbourhood, ya udah dateng aja gue bilang ..... Akhirnya jam 11:40 dia dateng ama 2 temennya, gue ngelongok dulu dari atas ... nyocokin tampang dia sama ID di dompetnya, ... baru gue turun ke bawah, gue bukain pintu. Dia sorry2 banget karena dateng malem2 ambil say thanks, terus nyomot duit dari dompetnya mo dikasih gue ... I said no, ... I don't want it. Dia maksa2 lagi ... I said, NO, I don't want your money ... JUST BE NICE TO OTHER PEOPLE, that's all. Dia senyum2 malu sambil bingung ... terus ngambil sesuatu dari jacketnya. ... Ini ada cookies dari France, ... terima yah ... please. Cookies???? ... Ya jelas gue terima ... hehehehe ... Ini sekarang gue lagi makan ... enaaaaakkkkkk hehehehe.

Ma kasih Tuhan, dah dikasih kesempatan berbuat karma baik meskipun rada2 usaha dikit ...
I feel good about myself and I know that person will do something nice to others too.
And especially for the nice cookies to munch ... LOL.


SELAMAT HARI WAISAK 2003 TO MY FAMILY ... love you, miss you all ....

"Decision ... decision ..."

All my inspiration, well okay ... not all ... mostly ... came to me while I was sitting quietly on the train, reading or observing something. Each day in our lives, we have to make decision(s), either we realize it or not. In one day alone, we have made so many decisions ... look back today ... and think what have you done since the moment you open up your eyes.

In the morning, you hear your alarm rings ... what do you do? you wake up right away? or you snooze? ... I snooze .. *hehehe* extra 9 min to sleep, nae bad ... . Then, taking a shower first? or getting my hot tea first? ... These are routines ... so my brain is already programmed to do them a certain way, I don't realize that I make a decision for each minute passes by. Or is it not a decision anymore?

Either way ... decisions lead to implications which we will carry on in life. Some decisions are harder to choose, but we still have to do it anyway.
My indicator on decision ... is the risk. On two hard-to-pick decisions, sometimes both risks are in the same magnitude. My choice?? .. The one risk that I feel I can live on. I don't have to agree with anybody, but at least I'm true to myself and no regret, because regret is very costly.
Not always the best pick, but hey, ... nobody makes the perfect decision all the time anyway, right? *smirk*

"What's your addiction? This is mine"

I don't have all the time in the world anymore. Who does anyway? ... Well, maybe that's not really the problem. I think it's just I'm not inspired by anything at all lately. Everything is just like daily normal life, .. well I can't really put it that way, but somehow I think that way. I think I'm babling now ... *huh ..*

I wonder if any human being has addiction into certain things, and which I believe is true. Each of us is addicted to something. You name it .. movie, food, clothes, computer, drugs .. etc. Ask yourself if you never addicted to anything at all. The question is why are we addicted to these kind of things? It might need to whole entire year of therapy session before you can figure it out.

My addiction is nicotine ... cigarette is my long friends that I know will deteriote me one day. I've been trying to quit lately, for my own sake ... I cut down a lot ... i mean a lot. This habbit started out as merely a curiousity .. then overtime it built in me. From nothing at all to one butt a day, then two, then four, then I am so hooked up in it, I could finish the whole pack for a day. Bad, huh? ... Yeah, everybody around me told me to quit, ... my family, friends, people on the street (yeah, that's true) ... they told me that smoking is not good for me. Hey, .. like I don't know that. My excuse was that ... a lot of things are not good for us, but we just don't know. Obesity causes more health problems than smoking ( it's a medical research, I don't make this up ) then I justify my nicotine craving habbit. So that's why I never really can quit.

Cigarettes have been my friends all along, giving me a peace of mind in the ups and downs of crazy road that I've had ... It's my best friend ... *don't complain hey non-smokers people* . When you are reluctant to do something, ... you'll find any kind of excuses not to do it. You are just trained to do so, it's your brain, it's your system that help you as a self defense mechanism.

I remembered on my long nights of mid-terms and final with all those textbooks and stack of papers flying around my room, I puffed the cigarettes to help me concentrate ... it did, better than any brain vitamin ever sold, .. hah. Inhaled them to my poor lungs and all the chemicals streamed through my blood. When I was sick of it, I just got out of my room to get some fresh air ... go back and light up another butt to finish up my study.

It was there when I broke up, when I was lonely all by myself laying in my cold room of winter, so far away from friends and family ... It was there with me when I was upset with some wackos I met ... It's just giving me a piece of sanity when I hold it between my fingers and suck the smoke down my throat. How can I let go something so good? ... the fact is that I love it, ... I love smoking .. not to look cool, that doesn't even cross my mind....

It's not just my friend, it's more than that ... I pick cigarettes over people .. some of my ex-bf tried to make me quit, threatening me and stuff .... yelled at me, ... none works!! hahaha ... You're all liars, you are smokers too, ... Kick your ass, bye ... don't push me around ... mind yourself first before you're trying to fix me. I don't mean to sound cocky, but give me a break ... don't push too hard to the edge.

With all my defenses, I realize that I'm being slaved by a thing called nicotine. I never ever use drugs in my life, not even a single pill or puff or sniff. But still I pitty myself for not having control over my body and mind. I'm having short of breath when I try to catch the train, running on that stairs ... I'm not as strong as before, and all I need is just a will ... to do what I have to do. I know it's gonna take time and energy, and strength ... and I'm still craving here .. Help me, God.

"Waiting in vain"

Aku punya kebiasaan buruk yang sampai detik ini belum bisa kuhapus, meski kumengerti jelas nggak bagus. Aku suka menunda. Prinsipku, kalo bisa ditunda kenapa enggak? .... nah, jadinya apa yang aku bisa kerjakan sekarang, sering kutunda sampai saat yang tidak tentu. Ah, masih bisa nanti kok .... Sehari, dua hari, tiga hari, and so on ... and time passes by, I start losing count. I end up forgetting what I supposed to do and a week later or a month later, things're getting out of my hands. The simplest thing for example is replying email, ... I can't always find the right story or words to write back, so I postponed .. but that's okay. Masalahnya, kadang aku udah tau apa yang ingin kutulis, tapi entar aja ahhhhh ...

Terus di other day, lagi aku di subway, .. aku baca Readers Digest yang aku comot dari anong, ...aku baca tentang JFK, presiden Amerika yang terkenal itu. The title is "The secret JFK kept from the world", April 2003 ed., p. 152-169. Di situ ditulis, dia adalah figur yang menggambarkan sosok yang penuh vitalitas, youthful, strong, energetic. But it was all lies, he covered it up. He was a very sick person since a little boy. His family knew all along that he wouldn't live a long live. "Life is unfair .... " as he said famously, exactly described his situation. Sick to death, he grabbed everything in front of him, he never wanted to wait or lose cause he knew he might never get a chance anymore.

As I finished reading it, it came across me ... when you know you don't have time ... you just do it. Everything that holds you back, never matter ...
Why not think like that, you never know how long you gonna live anyway. I waste too much time.

GRAB LIFE TODAY...

"Pindahan"

Lagi nggak niat banget posting, maklum abis pindah2an ... barang2 berantakan di mana2, pengen ngrapiin tapi tenaga nggak ada ...living room yang tadinya penuh banget udah lumayan kosong dan mulai ada bentuknya. Sampah bertumpuk2 di luar ... nggak tahu udah habis berapa dos of tall trash bag .. pas hari pindah2an aku ambruk nggak tahan, pake acara tidur segala, sementara co2 itu masih giat2nya ngangkut naik turun tangga, bolak balik 3 kali ... Salut ama kalian guys. Angkat tangan, acungin jempol .... Nggak ada deh acara masak2, makan luar semua. Pagi makan dimsum di Ping Restaurant, enakkkkk banget seperti biasanya .... siang cuman beli lunch box gitu di Kam Lun, share nasi bareng2 ... terus malem makan di resto Taiwan deket Walgreen sono. mayan sih .... gitu aja jalannya malesssss banget, badan sakit semua bok.

In a week, imbasnya masih kerasa, sakitku belom sembuh2 juga ... Flu, pilek, batuk ... tenggorokan sakit banget. Terlalu diforsir sih .. paling males pindahan. Minum obat nggak mempan semua, dari Decolgen, NY Quil night and day, ... ngga berkurang. Mungkin kondisi tubuhku juga lagi nggak fit, jadi perang nya virus2 itu agak lama kali ya? Kalo malem susah banget napas, nggak bisa tidur karena hidung kesumbat, Vicks udah selalu setia disampingku deh plus tissue with lotion, kalo nggak ada lotionnya, habis deh hidungku periiihh ... biar mahalan dikit nggak papa, yang penting comfort. Moga-moga aja cepet sembuh deh, I'm sick of getting sick.